I love to sleep so much that if I could make money as a pro sleeper I would. A mattress critic? An extra in hospital scenes of bodies in bed? I'm really not ashamed. I like to think of it as a super-skill.
But now I can't sleep. It started a couple of months ago and has progressively gotten worse.
At night when I lay in bed my brain starts talking to the heart and my body is stuck in between fully awake and wishing for internal earplugs.
Here are some of the things I'm worried about:
1. That we will not find the right international agency. Despite spreadsheets and emails and phone calls we still haven't chosen and time is drawing near. But this is the agency that will bring us a child. A CHILD! This is not online shopping or Q.VC! Here are my worries in no particular order: What if the agency can't find us the child we're looking for? What if the agency charges so much because money is getting into the wrong hands? What if the agency doesn't care about us or we find them to be frustrating? What if the agency can't get us through court? EVER? What if the agency is good but their field representatives are horribly corrupt? Who would even know??
2. If we don't choose a child from a photo listing of waiting childen then we'll be offered a referral. What if we receive a referral and in a moment of extreme selfishness and cruelty we just don't think the child is cute? Does this happen? How could it not? A photo is all you have to bond with before the real thing but what if we don't "feel" it when we look at the photo? How horrible will we be? Our child might be sick and sick children are not always the sweetest and cutest children. How will we know the right child for us?
3. What will we do with him/her after the first day home? After we've been to the local park? What will happen when it is time to watch Th.e Bach.elorette??? I assume he/she won't go quietly rest in the nursery so I can enjoy my reality tv.
I just don't know that I will be as good as the mommy bird in our yard. She lives for the 2 babies. Here is the way they spend their days - mouths open waiting and the squeaking and chirping begins if mommy is late for a meal. She spends all day flying to them and feeding them.
I REALLY think she isn't watching Sur.vivor or Am.erica's Next Top Mo.del in her down time...I picture her knitting little birdy caps, finding soft pieces to add to her nursery, and running through her strategies for flight training the babies. (We put some padded chairs under the nest in case this doesn't go well.) She is ALL about the babies. What if I'm not?
~A
Well, I had a long comment typed and lost it somehow! I do understand your feelings, and would love to help you out or answer some of your questions if you like.
ReplyDeleteWe are in the process of our second adoption and our using a different agency this time. All God's Children International...they are the best!
www.promiseinethiopia.blogspot.com
www.stammfamily.blogspot.com
carriestamm@gmail.com
I understand your fears completely. We were married 10 years before our first adoption. I would never go back to life without our daughter; it's that wonderful!
Your thoughts are not so uncommon. We struggled with our decision to choose an agency as well. I must have researched 10-20 agencies. I kept emailing my local social worker for advice and any info she had about these agencies and she always came back with CHSFS. They are not the cheapest and the wait list is long but we trusteded them and we are going to start our second adoption this summer and we will be using CHSFS again. I found them worth the wait.
ReplyDeleteAlso there is a yahoo group called Ethiopia Agency Review I think and it has lots of info on various agencies and is a good place to ask questions.
As for the thoughts on the picture, I worried that too but the second I saw my little girl I was instantly in love. She had the sweetest grumpiest little face that we just couldn't resist.
Finding the balance is tough and we are lucky as our little girl LOVES to sleep. Does it require a Tivo to get through our TV, yes but we make it work.
It was a 6 plus year process for us to become a family and I wouldn't go back at all. Our little girl is the perfect fit for our family. God granted us a beautiful and wonderful gift that in some weird way made the pain of trying to conceive and waiting for her all worth it.
Good luck and go with your gut and all will work out as it should.
Amanda,
ReplyDeleteHere is my email: cjustl@yahoo.com
Where do you suppose she got the pattern for the little birdy caps? I personally bet she flies off to Birdy-Target and buys them!!!!
ReplyDeleteThis is the sweetest post, Amanda.
You will be a great mama!!
And let God figure out all the details.....He'll do it better, anyway....just press into Him and watch for the "road-signs"....don't let your super-strong-practical-thinking brain steer you away from the road-signs....even if it is not the safest, most sane path from your point of view!!!
:)
Michelle
Wow. I have so many thoughts. Was your Mexico trip the same one that I was on? to San Quitin? I had no idea you had that life change then... where was I?
ReplyDeleteI have not adopted any of my children... but I am quite confident in this: What will you do with them after day 1 and the park? You will spend your time staring at the beautiful gift God has somehow blessed you with, and wanting to know everything about them. You will be amazed at how precious God's creation is and excedingly thankful that #3 is there with you. I don't think that ever wears off for conceived or adopted alike. The TV stuff is stuffed into the cracks that you didn't know were there, or forgotten because you have a different priority, or sacrificed willingly because children are too cute and persistent to resist. I know that you know these things in your heart. My love for my kids is so strong it makes my heart hurt. I still stare at them often. It makes me smile and brings happy tears to my eyes.
I'll stop now, lest I ramble too long...
Love you, "mommy to be"!
Sara Coll