I have not been getting my eight hours every night!
I love to sleep so much that if I could make money as a pro sleeper I would. A mattress critic? An extra in hospital scenes of bodies in bed? I'm really not ashamed. I like to think of it as a super-skill.
But now I can't sleep. It started a couple of months ago and has progressively gotten worse.
At night when I lay in bed my brain starts talking to the heart and my body is stuck in between fully awake and wishing for internal earplugs.
Here are some of the things I'm worried about:
1. That we will not find the right international agency. Despite spreadsheets and emails and phone calls we still haven't chosen and time is drawing near. But this is the agency that will bring us a child. A CHILD! This is not online shopping or Q.VC! Here are my worries in no particular order: What if the agency can't find us the child we're looking for? What if the agency charges so much because money is getting into the wrong hands? What if the agency doesn't care about us or we find them to be frustrating? What if the agency can't get us through court? EVER? What if the agency is good but their field representatives are horribly corrupt? Who would even know??
2. If we don't choose a child from a photo listing of waiting childen then we'll be offered a referral. What if we receive a referral and in a moment of extreme selfishness and cruelty we just don't think the child is cute? Does this happen? How could it not? A photo is all you have to bond with before the real thing but what if we don't "feel" it when we look at the photo? How horrible will we be? Our child might be sick and sick children are not always the sweetest and cutest children. How will we know the right child for us?
3. What will we do with him/her after the first day home? After we've been to the local park? What will happen when it is time to watch Th.e Bach.elorette??? I assume he/she won't go quietly rest in the nursery so I can enjoy my reality tv.
I just don't know that I will be as good as the mommy bird in our yard. She lives for the 2 babies. Here is the way they spend their days - mouths open waiting and the squeaking and chirping begins if mommy is late for a meal. She spends all day flying to them and feeding them.
I REALLY think she isn't watching Sur.vivor or Am.erica's Next Top Mo.del in her down time...I picture her knitting little birdy caps, finding soft pieces to add to her nursery, and running through her strategies for flight training the babies. (We put some padded chairs under the nest in case this doesn't go well.) She is ALL about the babies. What if I'm not?
- Me. Us. She.
- J and I have been married for almost 15 years. We have shared many adventures and a lot of watershed moments. In 2009 I began blogging and in 2010 we adopted our daughter from Ethiopia. In March of 2012 we began the process to adopt a little boy from Haiti. This blog follows the many twists and turns on the road to our two children and beyond.
- ► 2010 (106)
- Insurance - A Bit of Good News
- Calling on Sara Groves again
- Life is Messy and God is Good
- Choosing our International Agency
- We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Program...
- Being Real
- Questions of Color
- I Can't Sleep - Now THAT is not Normal
- The Promise
- The Right Words
- Questions and Vulnerability
- Throwing Caution to the Wind
- Not Deterred
- ▼ July (18)