And it bothers me. Because I believe in a God that answers prayers.
But ever since this adoption started I've been living in a half-panicked half-giddy state of mind. I can't seem to sit still and just be. And prayer really requires some measure of sitting and being with yourself. Yes, yes, I realize it doesn't always have to be like that. But don't you think God would prefer not to receive semi-screaching panicked giddy "thoughts" directed and shot off towards him as I drive around Denver singing Sara Groves at the top of my lungs?
Wouldn't the world be a better place if I could calm down and just sit and be for awhile?
Here are the most recent examples of complete mind meltdown:
We missed our flight to MN! As if we were completely rookie travelers. We forgot Jeremy's passport (he only has a paper license for now) and we were all the way there when we realized he needed photo id. Instead of just calmly calling an airline to figure out what to do I decided we should drive all the way home, in rush hour, to get the passport! And that wasn't the end of it. Several other odd errors in judgement lead to a complete MISS of the flight. Many prayers shot off to the universe to get us on the next flight.
Yesterday I found myself in Sunf*lower Mar*ket (well, I drove there but lately my mind is somewhere else and so I seem to find myself places) wandering the tiny little child section. I was being furtive and sneaky because I felt like everyone in the entire store knew that I didn't belong there, shouldn't be purchasing things for a future child, and was jinxing my entire adoption by selfishly fingering baby stuff! Admission time. I bought things. I bought more than one thing. I bought several. I bought wooden puzzles. I bought a tiny tiny Si.gg waterbottle with dolphins on it. I bought other things. Oh dear. The bag (yes, we are putting it all in a huge bag) is getting full already! (BTW, I feel compelled to say here that I promise we will actually create a room for this child!)
So I felt I needed to send up a few shots of prayer that I wasn't actually jinxing the adoption and that little #3 isn't at jeopardy due to my selfish purchasing desires. I just feel convinced that if I build up a little storehouse of child goodies I'll never get a kid to go with them. So, many prayers and wishes tossed out.
But I feel guilty and wish I could pray some sincere prayers to God for our adoption, the safety of our child, and for our friends and family who will need to adjust themselves and their expectations so much in all of this. Maybe the rest of you could say these prayers for me? I am assuming you are all much better at it and much less giddy-panicked.
I posted Sara's song yesterday, It's Going to be Alright, because it is the song that plays over and over in my head all day and all night. I think maybe it is God's answer to the panic-giddiness. A little gift. Actually, last night I finally slept.
Look, I know these posts can be vague and I haven't said much of any substance about the adoption. Thanks for so many good comments and emails!
In answer to a few questions:
We are going with Ethiopia, for now, as long as it all works out on that path.
We are open to changing to China if need be.
Our parameters are that we would like to adopt a child under 20ish months, with a very certain special medical need that we feel ready to handle, preferrably a little girl (we have our reasons but are open if that ends up not being the right direction.)
I have other information but I just can't post it on this blog. We have reason to be giddy-panicked though!!!!!!! I swear!!!!!!
Traveling baby waterbottle