Being real is important. I think we can all agree.
So in the interest of being real I'm going to say something that maybe an adoptive mom shouldn't admit to. I don't know. I've never done this before. But something tells me that the people reading this - who are basically mostly blogosphere adoption friends - might have some advice/thoughts.
I have been nauseous (is that the right spelling?? Nauseated-better grammar?) all afternoon.
Do I know why?
Yes, the stupid gigantic afterthought multivitamin that I took on a half-empty stomach sometime in the middle of the day. Just when I think I've made friends with the multivitamin he stages a surprise attack.
This has lead me to get angry. Quite angry. Angry that I am nauseaus and laying on my couch nibbling peanut butter toast (the food I always assumed I would eat a lot of when I was pregnant) but not because I'm pregnant.
Thinking like this can lead down a very sour, bitter old woman type of road for me. I am feeling angry that some people who don't want kids get pregant, oops, by accident! That teenagers having sex for the first time get pregnant - thank you M.TV for showcasing this bitterness inducing example in your oh so aptly named 16 and Pregnant every week.
You get the idea. Sigh.
Then I feel guilty. Very very guilty that even though I want to adopt, and truly honestly always have from the bottom of my heart, I also still have this...more than desire...a yearning to experience pregnancy. To have a baby shower like the ten million I have thrown for other people. To get to hold a tiny baby when it first comes into the world.
I feel guilty that we put off trying last year to ensure that I wouldn't be too sick to travel for work. And mad that for some reason I assumed it would all work out in my timing. I feel guilty that my future adopted child might feel like second best/second choice (when that SO isn't the case...but still, it sounds like it doesn't it?)
I don't know. Yuck. I have a meeting tonight, for church ironically, where nobody knows anything about us - adoption, pregnancy or not, etc. and I guess I'll have to smile and pretend not to be nauseaus (nauseated). Fun.
~A
PS. This wasn't the post I was planning for today but I guess a blog really doesn't follow any cosmic outline.
About Me
- Me. Us. She.
- J and I have been married for almost 15 years. We have shared many adventures and a lot of watershed moments. In 2009 I began blogging and in 2010 we adopted our daughter from Ethiopia. In March of 2012 we began the process to adopt a little boy from Haiti. This blog follows the many twists and turns on the road to our two children and beyond.
Thank you for sharing this. A book I recommend reading is called Post Adoption Blues. It talks about how sometimes after adoption people experience a post-partum depression of sorts. One of the reasons they suggest this may happen is because of infertility. Often times people try to solve fertility problems with adoption and while it works in the long run-it doesn't solve that desire to be pregnant.
ReplyDeleteIt's a very real issue and I assure you MANY people are not strangers to it. And, it's ok to be bitter about kids getting pregnant and not wanting the child.
For what it's worth-you can still have a baby shower. :) Many adoptive parents do.
It will pass. I swear. You will have an adoption shower. It will be wonderful.
ReplyDeleteI think you are actually on a very normal spot right now. Explore it. Look inside. Shake it out and move on. And you will. You aren't the only one who has been there, but right now your on your own trek.
ReplyDeleteIt is frustrating to see others get pregnant. Even I who didn't really have the "carry a baby' urge, was .. well honestly, I was PO'd when my SIL announced it 3 months after I told her of my adoption plans. (4th boy arrived last week) It took a while for me not to be P'd. I recognized that the feeling wasn't toward her.. but it was just there. That's all. Nothing more. Nothing less. Eventually it went away.
You are absolutley normal. You are also correct that it would be a rare instance that anyone who hasn't walked the adoption path would understand.
birth mom's needing to make an adoption plan, infertility both are injustices in this world. it is ok to grieve and be sad...but it is what you do next that will count.
ReplyDeleteI've been there and I will be there again. I think it's comes and goes - that grief.
Good thing motherhood and pregnancy are two VERY different issues all together. It is a joy that you WILL be a mother some day soon. It is ok to wish for pregnancy too.
Mourning the loss of pregnancy is hard. Been there done that. We tried for 3 years to get pregnant with no success. I had horrible jealousy and sometimes anger about life being not fair when all my friends and neighbors were getting pregnant at the drop of the hat.
ReplyDeleteAdoption showers are wonderful. I just had one a few weeks ago thrown by my book club and it was sweet and great.
Motherhood is fabulous no matter how you get there. It is okay to to grieve and be sad. In fact I would think it odd if you didn't. This is a roller coaster ride full of highs and lows, twists and turns. Hang on as some days are bumpier than others.