Being real is important. I think we can all agree.
So in the interest of being real I'm going to say something that maybe an adoptive mom shouldn't admit to. I don't know. I've never done this before. But something tells me that the people reading this - who are basically mostly blogosphere adoption friends - might have some advice/thoughts.
I have been nauseous (is that the right spelling?? Nauseated-better grammar?) all afternoon.
Do I know why?
Yes, the stupid gigantic afterthought multivitamin that I took on a half-empty stomach sometime in the middle of the day. Just when I think I've made friends with the multivitamin he stages a surprise attack.
This has lead me to get angry. Quite angry. Angry that I am nauseaus and laying on my couch nibbling peanut butter toast (the food I always assumed I would eat a lot of when I was pregnant) but not because I'm pregnant.
Thinking like this can lead down a very sour, bitter old woman type of road for me. I am feeling angry that some people who don't want kids get pregant, oops, by accident! That teenagers having sex for the first time get pregnant - thank you M.TV for showcasing this bitterness inducing example in your oh so aptly named 16 and Pregnant every week.
You get the idea. Sigh.
Then I feel guilty. Very very guilty that even though I want to adopt, and truly honestly always have from the bottom of my heart, I also still have this...more than desire...a yearning to experience pregnancy. To have a baby shower like the ten million I have thrown for other people. To get to hold a tiny baby when it first comes into the world.
I feel guilty that we put off trying last year to ensure that I wouldn't be too sick to travel for work. And mad that for some reason I assumed it would all work out in my timing. I feel guilty that my future adopted child might feel like second best/second choice (when that SO isn't the case...but still, it sounds like it doesn't it?)
I don't know. Yuck. I have a meeting tonight, for church ironically, where nobody knows anything about us - adoption, pregnancy or not, etc. and I guess I'll have to smile and pretend not to be nauseaus (nauseated). Fun.
PS. This wasn't the post I was planning for today but I guess a blog really doesn't follow any cosmic outline.
- Me. Us. She.
- J and I have been married for almost 15 years. We have shared many adventures and a lot of watershed moments. In 2009 I began blogging and in 2010 we adopted our daughter from Ethiopia. In March of 2012 we began the process to adopt a little boy from Haiti. This blog follows the many twists and turns on the road to our two children and beyond.
- ► 2010 (106)
- Insurance - A Bit of Good News
- Calling on Sara Groves again
- Life is Messy and God is Good
- Choosing our International Agency
- We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Program...
- Being Real
- Questions of Color
- I Can't Sleep - Now THAT is not Normal
- The Promise
- The Right Words
- Questions and Vulnerability
- Throwing Caution to the Wind
- Not Deterred
- ▼ July (18)