You take the good you take the bad you take them both and there you have...

December 8th today and already this month has been a rollercoaster of adoption news and feelings. Started with World AIDS Day on the 1st and really has not slowed down since. This morning I got a call. Not the call. But a call from Erin Henderson, our coordinator, nonetheless which is exciting just because you know that when you hear her voice you are getting close!

It is cold here. Have you seen the weather map? Almost a millon square miles covering CO-MN of cold and snow? I say this because it explains why at 8:30am I was still snuggled into bed downstairs - in our "new" bedroom - when the call came. Cold = one of my favorite things which is my Restoration Hardware blanket in bed with my laptop. (See end of blog.)

So the phone rang and it was a private caller. This could mean one of three people: my supervisor/chair of Faith to Action Initiative (but since she is also not a morning person I couldn't imagine it was her), my colleague at UNICEF in NY who is two hours ahead of me and so would definitely not still be in bed snuggling under her blanket, OR someone from our agency.

It was Erin and when she said "hi, this is Erin Henderson" my hands started shaking hard and my breath got suddenly very short and choppy. I said "it IS????"

And then as she is trying to explain her call which began with "this is not a referral call" an ENORMOUS spider emerged from under my laptop (which was on my lap and have I mentioned IN BED???) and began spider leggy flopping around my covers. I hate spiders. I am terrifed of spiders. I should have thought of this possibility when we moved to the basement which is probably the winter getaway for all sorts of spider folk. I think it dropped on me from the ceiling. I was on the phone, shaking, trying to hold it all together while scanning the ceiling for a spider web and leaping around the room trying to fling it far far away.

I actually had to stop Erin and tell her that a spider was on me! Certainly a first for her in making these calls I think.

Somewhere in all of that Erin explained that her news was not good news. Worse than a spider in my bed in my new bedroom?? Yes.

Last week our agency had some new baby arrivals. We were in line for one of them. This week they had some further testing done and both have been moved to the healthy infant referral list. Good for the healthy babies...really. That is the way that these things work at times. Although this situation is a little stranger than it seems. But I think it is best to leave it at that.

I am not devastated. I'm very very proud actually that I didn't run with the news I had last week and shout it from the rooftops. I even refrained from telling our church adoption group anything on Sunday. It was a test run of self control for me.

Now we are officially #1 for a baby girl. Who is definitely not in care yet. BUT there is also the possibility of a toddler referral of a girl who IS in care.

Have I mentioned that this is a rollercoaster of emotions?

It is a hard balance of wanting to rush and say yes to anyone and anything because the waiting is so hard and also carefully considering what we can handle and who is the best fit for us.

That is my news for today. Tuesday, December 8th, 2009. I have a feeling there is more on the way but I cannot even begin to imagine where we'll be on the 18th. My predicted referral day.

~Amanda

PS. Favorite thing: Restoration Hardware blanket of soft perfection. Ours is steel gray. It is machine washable. It is soft and fluffy like a kitten on one side and smooth and soft on the other. Repels dog hair, retained its fluff and softness through the past year, and is the perfect companion for the cold of Colorado. If I could make all of my clothes out of this material I would.

Favorite Things - the good plates

My mom has always had good plates - china, pale and creamy with curls of pink and green and gold flowers. As far back as I can remember we ate from the china for Christmas Eve, Thankgiving, Easter, birthdays, and then on just because days. Just because my girlfriends and their moms were coming over to plan our spring break trip. Just because we had friends staying with us from out of town. Just because it was advent and advent candle lighting goes well with dainty china.

When J and I got married we chose "regular" plates because no other china pattern could live up to my expectations.

One year ago I was talking to my grandma and grandpa on the phone and complaining about my lack of china. (Don't ask me why this came up.) During that call grandma told me that she has the same set as mom. It was my great-grandmother's. Apparently my great-grandfather brought back two sets from a trip sometime in ancient history.

They told me that when the time comes and they are done using it they would box it up and send the whole set to me. I thought I'd be waiting at least another 10 years.

But the time came only 6 months later. Over the course of 2009 both grandma and grandpa became old. Not regular grandma and grandpa old. But very sick, almost died, moved into assisted living old. It was shocking. And very sad for all of us to see. Grandpa, who used to love collecting golf balls, competing in Christmas light competitions, and who could still beat me at a game of pool - can no longer drive. Has his meals made for him. Grandma sleeps almost all day every day. When I ask grandpa how he's doing he says he's happy to have grandma still with him. They lay in bed holding hands a lot.

The box arrived several months ago. Boxes. Three of them. Filled with beautiful, girly, fancy, good plates. And cups, and bowls, and smaller bowls, and smaller plates, and huge platters, and lidded bowls, and many pieces I will never know how to use.

On Thankgsiving day I went into the basement and spent an hour delicately unwrapping enough for our family dinner. I carefully washed each piece marveling at how not one was chipped or scratched. Then I served Thankgiving dinner on the good plates. For the first time.

Thank you GB & GD.

~Amanda

The day I've been waiting for has finally come - not a referral post though

I have been waiting for YEARS to decorate a baby room. In DC we had the perfect room that just waited and waited and never became a baby room.

Here in Denver we have seriously downsized. And the few little things we've accumulated for baby have piled up in my office which is now overflowing with storage and baby books and misc. furniture.

As I write this very sentence darling J and our friend Dave are heaving and grunting and pushing our bedroom furniture downstairs to the basement family room.

Why is he doing this you might ask? Why would we want to move the entire master bedroom underground?

To make room for baby of course!!

I love small houses and I hate small houses. I love that our little bungalow is easy to clean. I love that it is old and has character and is located in a very cool little neighborhood. But the downside is that most of these bungalows only have 2 bedrooms.

Until today one bedroom was our master bedroom and one my office.
But after today one bedroom will be the office and the back bedroom, the one with carpet, will be a baby room. Not for her to sleep in at night. But for me to decorate. And for naps I suppose.

We will all sleep downstairs together in what used to be the family room. It is warm. It has soft carpet. It is much bigger. I'm excited!

Pictures to follow when it is all rearranged.

~Amanda

The Pillow

I made this! It took all three hours of class to learn how to use the sewing machine, cut the pattern, and get the hang of it...but I made a pillow!

This is from the fabric I brought home from Africa. Isn't it so cute?

Let me know if you would like a pillow or the cut fabric pieces to sew one of your own. I'm going to sell these in a lot of different African fabrics between now and New Year's.

It was a great class and using the sewing machine was really fun. Unfortunately I don't have one of my own. But I have a friend who can loan me hers so hopefully I will be in business soon!

~Amanda

And she treasured these things in her heart...

Oh Friends! Oh my! Oh dear! (Uffda? Insert wide range of Scandinavian expressions of enthusiasm here.)

Words cannot even do justice to the email I just got from our agency coordinator. In fact, as I write this I've had to go back and double check to make sure I wasn't dreaming that email.

I just can't share the email right now. I'm still treasuring it up in my heart.

But the subject line was "news" and it was a good news email.

It sounds like SHE is there. In their care. And we should learn more in about a week.

Bonnie, you are so so right. I don't want a referral if the paperwork is not in order. I can't imagine the pain of failing court over and over and watching the months of 2010 slip by. So I am cautiously excited but will reserve outright joy.

I am not going to post this news on facebook. Or send out mass emails. So if you are reading this please keep it close for now. Suddenly I am nervous. I feel private. I feel like I'm just about to sneak away and open a gift from a secret admirer.

But for now this is a happy news post for everyone who has so faithfully followed here, commented, affirmed, suggested, and rejoiced. The wait is nearing its end. And the real wait is just beginning.

Here's a picture of Cassidy expressing how I feel. Note the focus in her eye? (Picnic lunch was on a nearby table and she knew good things were about to come.)

~Amanda

Will the Fancy Tiger restore my creative energy?

It took me oh, about 4 hours to regret that previous post. Not because of your cyber butt kicks Shannon (so funny though!)

It's just that truly every minute I waste on calculating and agonizing I really am not living. At all.

I'm just going through the motions. And I was doing so well these past two weeks! Blew all that good energy in one day.

I caught a little of Oprah today and she was talking about a new book, Half the Sky. I so appreciated that she had guests talking about development and the importance of the GIRL in the developing world. The power that girls have to change the world if given education and a chance.

I miss living in DC sometimes. These were conversations I had regularly. I miss talking about development and I'm sad that when people ask what I do and I say "international development" here in Denver I get blank stares.

I think I am understimulated and losing my creative abilities - just totally gave them over to the world of adoption last spring.

In an effort to wrench my soul out of the clutches of the evil adoption waitlist, tomorrow night I am going to a store called Fancy Tiger! With a friend and we are going to learn to use a sewing machine (GASP!). I plan to bring my African fabric and see if I can finally get those pillow covers made. Maybe I will fall in love with sewing (yeesh, is that possible??) and have a creative outlet.

~Amanda

Where are the special needs referrals from Ethiopia?

It is World AIDS Day. Over 2 million children in the world are infected with HIV/AIDS. Every 90 seconds a child is infected with HIV. The vast majority in Sub-Saharan Africa.

In today's adoption news we found out that we are still #2 and it will be at least two weeks before we move to #1. Every day that passes without a referral simply pushes back the timeline for travel. We will be lucky to go before June at this rate.

I am feeling sad and frustrated because another blogger, a family with a different agency, moved to #2 the same day we did. And yesterday they received their referral. A tiny 2 month old baby girl. And I know, they are with a different agency, on a different waiting list, and the situation is not really comparable. But I have a really hard time understanding why our specific list moves so incredibly slowly. We are open to one specific need which defines the "list" we are on but we also said yes to about a million other special needs. AND we did not specify that we want an infant. We are open to toddlers as well. How can it be that there are no children in need? I am finding it hard to swallow.

Sorry this is a bitter and irritated post. It is not at all meant to offend those of you who have wonderful healthy adopted children or those of you who are waiting for one.

But what the h.ell? I consult for and work with a lot of international agencies, including adoption agencies. I am accutely aware of the fact that the children most in need are older and/or have special needs. Which is why we made the choices we did. Why is it that these kids aren't readily available for adoption? Why are we waiting so very long for a medical need referral? Is it a supply and demand issue? Less demand from our adoption community = slower paperwork and less referrals from the agencies?

I am frustrated to have learned that we are nowhere near #1 right now. Maybe by mid-December? That still puts us at January for a referral. OVER FOUR months since we entered the waiting list. FOR A SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD. That is insane folks. There are agencies where families only wait 4-7 months for a healthy infant or toddler referral. (Yes yes, I know not all.) But lets take for example two families I know of that recently posted they were #10 on their respective lists. One received a referral within 5 weeks for a 13 month old and the other received a referral within 2 weeks for an infant. At #10.

I am irritated and confused. I don't think this is all part of God's plan to match us with the right child. What I think it is is a serious lack of focus on kids with special needs. I don't blame AAI. It is one of the only agencies that really does try to find families for older and special needs kids. But I blame the entire system for not prioritizing kids who aren't in high demand by their long list of adoptive families.

Rant over. So sorry again if you have been offended. I don't mean to offend here. But I do want to point out what seems to be to be a glaring adoption discrepency. Among many others.

~Amanda