Three more sleeps

and then...

she

is one of we!

~A

We Passed! She Passed!

We are hers and she is ours forever. Third try was a charm.
Or maybe it was the fervent prayers I sent up from her side of the ocean.

I was sitting at dinner last night in Gulu (Uganda) with two other women.
Eating fried rice, chapatis and fresh avocado. Fighting a very nervous stomach.
Cell phone on table.

I couldn't keep my eyes off the clock and couldn't stop calculating the time it would take for an email from Ethiopia to go to our coordinator in Wyoming and then to Jeremy to get back to me via text in Uganda.

Then I got it. The text. My new favorite word: PASSED!

I wept with huge relief. Stomach instantly better. Appetite suddenly huge.

She is a perfect tiny ball of sunshine. She is radiant. She is the happy one.
She is OURS.

~A

Our first photo of three

Look who finally got her welcome bag? Just in time!

Jeremy informed me that a baby's bottom two teeth are the first to come in.

Look who's been reading his What to Expect: the first year book!

Talay captured and ate the slingshot piggy from our shower today.

She's feeling very passive aggressive about the nursery full of untouchable toys.

Cassidy licked the highchair legs today.

She's spending a lot of time daydreaming about baby food dripping from that chair.

We are SO ready!!

It's just happened. Just ready all of a sudden.

The wait is really a refining fire.

~A

Getting Close

I can't believe that in exactly 21 days I will be looking at this little face - in person!

I can't believe that on Saturday I board a flight that will take me to HER side of the world.

Every day it draws closer. Every day I finish one more thing on the to do list that brings me closer to her.

Today we finally zipped up her suitcase. We added some diapers, then subtracted them one at a time until we brought the weight to exactly 50 pounds. It was quite the process. I highly recommend buying a little hand scale at the luggage store. I don't know how we would have done without it.

I really want to post photos of the amazing nursery furniture J is making. But only the crib is done. How are we this far behind? We had so much time to prepare but I waffled way too much on daybed with side rails vs. crib. (Just not sure she'll sleep in this crib since we're cosleeping in our room. But a crib seemed too sweet to pass up.)

We are working through that room one little piece at a time. Hung curtain rods last week. Tonight ironed and hung ONE out of four curtain panels.

As a side note, this weekend I was at P.o.t.t.ery B.arn K.i.ds and ARE YOU KIDDING me? They seriously charge $69/panel for NURSERY CURTAINS? We bought 4 perfect white panels for the two windows at B.ed B.a.th and Beeeeeeyond for $40 total. I mean, some things are worth the money. But baby curtains for $280? No.

I think I am going to have to accept "mostly done" instead of perfect in that room. J will finish the dresser this week but the nightstand and corner piece may be postponed. And wall decor... only half planned. I still need the perfect mirror.

I really want to post one last picture post before I leave so that is motivating me to finish it all up asap! :) If only we had an I.k.e.a. in this town!!

No other thoughts here tonight. It's been a very long ride. The end isn't in site. But the beginning of life with D is very very close. And that is good enough.

~A

PS. Can I post that photo at the top with both eyes? I know one body part at a time is ok. Anyone want to weigh in on the "rules?" Can you tell I'm getting lax? Just seems to me like we SHOULD have PASSED court and I should be allowed to post full photos by now. Just saying.

Baby Shower

Yellow cake with chocolate frosting: "And Baby Makes Three"

Thoughtful presents in a pink wagon for D!

Games even the guys could enjoy

And a crazy oinking piggy slingshot toy!

A baby Bear to make the day bright

And this special family home from a very long flight.

My only request was mimosas and I got a full bar!

Peach, mango, or orange, our glasses never strayed very far.

Friends tall and small, both girls and the boys

came to celebrate D and share in our joy.

These sweet little friends taste tested the cake


Miles took his job seriously and proclaimed it just great!



A clothesline of onesies was a very big hit

And this book made us cry...just a little bit.

There was laughter



And tears

Food

and dear friends


It was a wonderful day. THANK YOU.



The End.

Baby Shower for Baby D - Highlands Church friends

Location: J2Q's House, Stapleton

Date: May 8, 2010 3-5pm (actually left at 6:45pm oops!)

Hosts: Lisa and Ryan Crane, Nicole and Horacio Morales, Joe Quinlinn and Jonathan Queck

(There was a time when I thought I'd never have a baby shower.)

I wrote this post.

Despite failing court again, I am happy. We'll get there.

Baby Dream Drama-with EDIT NOTE

It is 12:20am.

Every time I close my eyes instead of drifting into peaceful sleep I find myself running through a to do list of practicalities and ridiculous things that need to be considered, that if written out would stretch all the way from here to Ethiopia.

The annoying thing is that the nightime to do list is so unimportant.

Some of the things that have taken over my brain - honest to God I would not even normally find these things important enough to stress about in day time:

- must remember to buy a huge box of C.heerios to pack to win over D's affections...but how will I fit a huge box of C.heerios in my luggage...how much does a box of C.heerios weigh...will said C.heerios be too crushed if I pack them in just the plastic bag...should I get goldfish too...every baby loves goldfish...how many teeth does she have...what on earth will I feed her in ET...a 12 month old doesn't just eat formula right...how does a parent figure these things out...what if we end up starving her because I can't cook sweet potatos and carrots and other baby food goodness in Ethiopia...should I bring more snacks...what if we run out of C.heerios before we get on the plane home...we need to make sure to reserve some for that return trip...

and on and on and on and on


- i think we need more socks. how many pairs of socks does a 12 month old need...will it be cold in June in ET...I think it is cold there...rainy season...i packed those three pairs of new cute flowered socks in their packaging...must remember to remove them and actually wash them...what is the harm in not washing before wearing...does that cause skin problems...could she be allergic to american detergent...if so would it be better to not wash everything before packing...i like the socks packaging...oh no, all three pairs are colors...we need some white socks...thick white socks because it could be cold..will three pairs be enough...should i get them at T.arget...everyone says i need tr.umpette socks...must add to list...what if her feet are chronically cold because we forget socks...does a baby wear socks under footie pajamas? Does a 12 month old wear shoes? We haven't even bought any shoes!

(oh my goodness, when I went online to find a photo of trum.pette socks I found these and fell madly in love. how cute are these socks???!!!)

and on and on and on

Lately I've also added baby name drama:

- we both like the name A--- with her name...but what if it sounds icky with our last name...our last name causes so many problems...how many ways can i think of to distorte the name A---when combined with our last name...what about a nickname...does the nickname M--- remind us too much of another friend with a similar name...what will people think if we add a name that isn't Ethiopian...are both names meaningful enough...what if the nickname we use is Ethiopian...what if she doesn't look like any of the names we've thought of when we get her...what if we formally change her name but end up calling her D anyway...what a waste of time spent on names and forms...does the name D feel signficant...if we change something about it will it tie her to the community well enough...how many names can i run through in my mind before circling back to A---*??

* I do realize now that I see it in writing that the name we are considering looks oddly like my name and the nickname bizarrely like the nickname I had as a child. This was purely coincidence and I swear they are not the same names.

And on and on and on

Maybe my mind can't turn off because it's just too scared to sleep these days. Every. single. night. I dream about Baby D. Long, dramatic, emotional, heavy, stressful, sagas that play out through the course of the night leaving me tired and crabby in the morning.

A few nights ago I had THE WORST dream.

I was in a meeting. Of course it was in a strange place - a bright blue room, in a 60's diner, around a formica table, that was sort of somehow in the eating nook of my own kitchen. Of course.

The meeting was taking place between myself, a social worker, and another prospective adoptive parent. And the meeting was to inform me that actually, even though I had made it all the way to Ethiopia to get D, I was not finished with the process yet. Another mother had been chosen for her and D was likely to go with her unless I could answer a series of questions to the social worker's satisfaction. Questions involved describing the history of the Queen of Sheba, explaining the meaning of D's name, and successfully answering other Ethiopian trivia.

In this dream I was so upset. Crying, shaking, and in total disbelief that this was happening. (I have dreamtime PTSD from the T situation of last summer I think!)

Now my body and mind are scared to fall asleep. :(

Instead of laying in bed tossing and turning I thought I'd hop up and write this blog post. I really think the benefit of blogging is that once you lay something out in writing, it can be easier to clear your head and move on. I hope that's true tonight.

~A

ADDED in the AM:

Am really appreciating the comments!

Would not normally be so totally obsessed over these details (when I travel there for myself I am not at all worried about what I will eat or wear!) but because I plan to fly to ET in early June whether we have an embassy date or not I am worried about caring for her for 2,3,4? weeks there. First time mom, plus not great access to the resources and options I would have here, plus feeling a little nervous that if we get "stuck" there I will be flying home alone with her since J can't spend an endless amount of time in the country...

Add all of that to the need to get her packed up before I leave for S. Africa on May 14th without knowing her height or weight or shoe size or diaper size or formula brand (can't seem to get the agency to answer emails about these questions) and the stress is on.

Any packing suggestions are appreciated.

I've been told I will get a health and size update immediately before I am scheduled to travel. But I am not being a good sheep and following the typical plan. So I won't be "scheduled" to travel on their timeline. I have emailed several people at the agency about this - to let them know that I am going to ET the first week of June, packing now, leaving soon, need to know some basic basic info, etc and have gotten nada back.

What She's Been Up To

(Sending the welcome bag for D.)

If you had asked me last year I would have bet money, a lot of it, that I'd never see J holding anything with the word 'Sassy' on it. Baby girl is making him soft!

A few words about Baby D:

"She was so happy and laughed the whole time we were in the room." ~ April 1, 2010

"Her favorite caregiver walked up as we were taking the pics and D went crazy with happiness." ~March 31, 2010

"Whenever he sees her picture he gets all excited and says "D------!" (Cindy's son, little T.) ~March 29, 2010

"D kept tapping my watch, so I took it off and put it her foot. She would take it off and try to put it back on her foot. She is one special little girl and we do love her!!" ~March 17, 2010

"She recognizes her name, says a-goo, and turns towards people when her name is called." ~March 13, 2010

"She is an easy easy, deep from her toes smiler." ~March 11, 2010

"This girl is not passive either. She arches her back and shrieks when she is unhappy. For such a calm, gentle girl she sure knows how to express herself!" ~March 11, 2010

"She loves to stand on my legs with her full weight on her legs. So strong!" ~March 8, 2010

She is sparkly, and strong, and loves to laugh. I think she will fit just fine with us.

~A

It was already one month ago...

Exactly one month ago today we saw her for the first time.

One month ago right this minute I was on the phone with Cindy poring over every detail of the referral paperwork.

It was just one tiny moment in life. That moment between "before" - when I was still agonizing and torturing myself through every minute and day of waiting and the moment I realized we were at "after." The peaceful sweet of knowing that the worst of the wait is over and life is about to be changed completely and irreversibly.

Four weeks of living in the after and I am really content. Anticipation has moved from painful to sweet. J and I are committed to fully enjoying our last days as just two. Just us. We're also coming to the end of our 10th year of marriage. On June 13th we will have been married 11 years. I like the idea of Baby D coming home in June. A neatly tied up 11 years of marriage as two.

Everything feels so...right. I didn't expect this. I didn't know that the sky would look bluer and songs would feel more true. That I would find flowers blooming to feel like small miracles or that scrubbing toilets to raise money for our travel would be easy. Pleasurable.

We have received several new photos every week. The photos show an absolutely sparkly baby girl who lives with laughter in the corners of her eyes and mouth. She has many different faces that we are getting to learn through pictures.

There is the scared baby owl of the early days (bottom lip sucked in and heart shaped upper lip looking like a tiny beak. Head tucked down.) There is the "I love the world and everything in it" face where her eyes snap and sparkle and she gazes into the distance with great anticipation.

There is her "head cocked to the side Baby Gap model smile designed to charm the pants off of anyone looking" face. And lately she has added the signature, "I can lay on my back and hold my bottle while raising BOTH legs up over my head" move. She has also added a "who the heck are you and why did you put me on tummy time without any toys in easy grasp?" disgruntled look.

And last but not least this week we received sleeping angel face and waking up from naptime with happy grin and reaching arms photos. Sometimes I actually have to remind myself that she is not looking at me in these photos.

Court group D was assigned..................April 8th!

We are next, court group E. Hopefully we will hear in the next week or two.

Thanks for humoring both my baby D adoration and my new court date obsession.

~A

Today was a special day

Today Cindy squeeked into an embassy appointment for Little T and Baby B, got their visas, and is bringing them home on Tuesday.

Since Cindy does not have a blog I wanted to mark this day for her!

I called the Ritmo guest house this morning to talk to some of the crew there. Sounds like 21 people, low water supply, and intermittent power combined with projectile vomit. Fun times.

Cindy's story is just amazing. Uh.ma.zing. But I cannot share it with you. What I can say is that we waited together on "our" special list. She received her referrals in November and we became instant friends. Emailing multiple times/day for the past 4 months. I called Cindy when I saw D's first referral photo. I remember saying to her "I think this is her. Is this her?" And she said "Yes. I love her. If we weren't adopting Baby B this is the baby I would want."

I am sure she said that last line to help me along a bit that first awkward day. But I loved her for it. And D and Baby B are the exact same age. So I think we will be seeing a lot of each other in years to come.

During the call today Cindy told me a little story about our D.

She said that she visited her yesterday and took along a photo of us. She showed the photo to D who clutched it and examined it and then refused to give it back to anyone. She said that when it dropped to ground and she couldn't get to it, Baby D screamed and cried for it to be returned to her.

It's little stories like that which get us through the wait. I like to think she wanted to keep hold of that photo to study it in private in her baby crib. You know, maybe wake up and ponder us and our worthiness periodically...

Here is the photo Cindy had with her. Cute us on our cute Greek vacation last May. Poor kid is never going to recognize the new, over-eager, stress fattened, travel weary, winter-white parents who will actually arrive in person.

~A

She wears her heart on her lips

~A

Deal with God

I love my smart phone. I hate my smart phone.

30 minutes before take off yesterday I checked my email on the phone.
An in progress update from the agency in my inbox.

First, they announced that all adoptions from Oromia regions of Ethiopia are indefinitely suspended. Effective immediately. For all agencies. As in, if your child is from Oromia good luck getting him or her home to the States (ever.)
Well that is how I read it.

Second it was announced that Ethiopian courts have decided to require two trips for adoption. 1. Both parents are being requested to appear for the court hearing. 2. A parent must travel to pick the child up and attend the embassy/visa appointment. Effective immediately.

What do you do with information like that when boarding a 4 hour flight?!

Baby D is Oromo!
Baby D is in Ethiopia!
We have not passed court yet! We don't even have a court date yet.

Many many urgent emails later I had to turn off the phone, buckle up, and attempt something close to calm. I prayed and prayed and prayed all the way home. All for number one. I made a deal with God - give me D without indefinite delays and I will fly to Ethiopia as many times as is necessary without complaint.

So I just want you all to know - I AM NOT COMPLAINING!

The agency sent an email that I read as the plane was touching down. (I figured my innocent little cell phone couldn't possible cause signal problems so severe that we'd crash off of the runway.)

Baby D is safe. She has the right paperwork. She's been submitted to court. Children affected are those from Oromia region without their local court paperwork. Now I wonder if they will ever get that paperwork?

We got so so so lucky? blessed? gifted? We squeaked by barely.

So no complaints. Just a few financial concerns as you can imagine...An additional trip will add at least $4,000 to the overall cost. Sigh. We will never own a home or take another vacation I guess. But seriously no complaints. I would go 100 times over to visit Baby D if that is what is needed to get her through court.

We are still waiting for confirmation from our agency. It's always possible we'll be allowed just one trip since our case was submitted already.

~A

Photo Glutton

Something strange is happening to me.

I'll be driving somewhere (I'm at a conference so have been really busy driving around) and this bizarre heart pain (not actually physical but still in the heart area) will start.

It builds up. I ignore it for awhile but I know what is coming. It grows and moves up my chest into my neck and eyes and head until it takes over and I MUST STOP whatever I am doing and LOOK IMMEDIATELY at all of her photos.

I actually pulled the car over tonight because I couldn't wait until I got to my friend's house. I must gaze at her shiny dark eyes and pretend she is looking at me. I must notice again her perfect heart lips. I must examine every curl of hair and touch her fingers and toes.

I fill myself up with it (sometimes I can do it in 2 seconds but other times, if I haven't looked for a few hours, it takes at least 10 minutes.) I am gorging myself on baby D. I am addicted and gorging. I have a disorder! I don't know what I would do without her photos.

I worry for the sanity of other adoptive parents who don't get photos. What do they do? How do they survive? Do they have this addiction but can't feed it? Awful! It is so good to look at her that it is physically painful.

J has her photos on his phone and sometimes I see him looking too. Although he is a little too manly to admit to actual baby photo gluttony. I never imagined it would feel this good. Never imagined it would be like this. Never imagined I would be so lucky to have found this little person with sparkling eyes. She of the perfect smile. I had lost all faith completely. I am like a new person, reborn completely.

~A

Baby Owl Transitions

Today I went to Target to make prints of Baby D's photos.

I have so many because we have a guardian angel named Morgan.

I will still tell you the Morgan story. But it will take time.

For now I give you this. HER hand. Call me biased but those are the most perfect chubby knuckles I have ever seen. And oh, those cuticles. Perfection completeley. I bet her farts don't even smell...

She is reported to be the perfect watchful baby owl. Struggling with some transitions (she moved care centers) but hopefully finding some solace in Morgan's love.

~A

SHE...

is 14 pounds and 26 inches long

has an upper lip shaped exactly like a heart

looks like she watches closely and and forgives easily

has almond shaped dark brown eyes

has brown curly hair - not a lot, just a little

can wave goodbye

has perfect ears that point just a little at the top

looks like an owlet when she's serious

She has feet that will fit this tiny shoe:

From la la land,

~A