Something strange is happening to me.
I'll be driving somewhere (I'm at a conference so have been really busy driving around) and this bizarre heart pain (not actually physical but still in the heart area) will start.
It builds up. I ignore it for awhile but I know what is coming. It grows and moves up my chest into my neck and eyes and head until it takes over and I MUST STOP whatever I am doing and LOOK IMMEDIATELY at all of her photos.
I actually pulled the car over tonight because I couldn't wait until I got to my friend's house. I must gaze at her shiny dark eyes and pretend she is looking at me. I must notice again her perfect heart lips. I must examine every curl of hair and touch her fingers and toes.
I fill myself up with it (sometimes I can do it in 2 seconds but other times, if I haven't looked for a few hours, it takes at least 10 minutes.) I am gorging myself on baby D. I am addicted and gorging. I have a disorder! I don't know what I would do without her photos.
I worry for the sanity of other adoptive parents who don't get photos. What do they do? How do they survive? Do they have this addiction but can't feed it? Awful! It is so good to look at her that it is physically painful.
J has her photos on his phone and sometimes I see him looking too. Although he is a little too manly to admit to actual baby photo gluttony. I never imagined it would feel this good. Never imagined it would be like this. Never imagined I would be so lucky to have found this little person with sparkling eyes. She of the perfect smile. I had lost all faith completely. I am like a new person, reborn completely.
~A
About Me
- Me. Us. She.
- J and I have been married for almost 15 years. We have shared many adventures and a lot of watershed moments. In 2009 I began blogging and in 2010 we adopted our daughter from Ethiopia. In March of 2012 we began the process to adopt a little boy from Haiti. This blog follows the many twists and turns on the road to our two children and beyond.
I know EXACTLY what you mean... EXACTLY.
ReplyDeletep.s. I hope you don't mind, I copied your SHE poem a little bit. :) I was just so inspired, I had to write my own. Words cannot express the joy... and the pain of longing, though. We can only do our best.
ReplyDeleteI have our referral picture of Ru on my visor in our van. I looked at it ALL. THE. TIME!!!!
ReplyDeleteIt is still there and I don't think I will ever take it down!! That feeling doesn't go away once your precious girl is home. I get teary-eyed and lumpy-throated when I look at this beautiful girl I get to call my daughter!
I hope your wait is not too much lonerg to get her in your arms!!!
ummm.... yeah. First thing we did once we got a photo (and we only had one) was go to a photo shop, get ten print outs and a frame. Then we went to a cafe and sat with our framed baby picture on the table, looking like idiots, but unable to look away :)
ReplyDeleteI had pictures of the kids (prior to them coming home, and hell-even now) all over the place. I had them in my office at work and for the one class a day that I had in another classroom, I attached a picture to the inside of my lesson plan book so that I could flip to it anytime during that class to get my fix.
ReplyDeleteIt's insane, isn't it?!
I often look at her, too. Smiling in the fridge. Pablo asks about you.
ReplyDeleteSo sweet. A wonderful addiction to have...
ReplyDelete