He gives and takes away

I love a certain baby at church. His name is Bear and he's about 5 months old. I've known him since he was born. He is half Latino and has this warm light brown skin and big brown eyes. He is soft and warm and smiles a lot.

This morning we had another freak fall blizzard and so church was cozy and candlelit and designed to get us in the Thanksgiving mood. We were all especially appreciative to have made it to church (although we all live in the neighborhood so there isn't much of an excuse if you don't) and feeling a sense of community.

I was holding Bear and he fell asleep against my stomach with his little face turned in towards me and one hand holding the neck of my shirt. He was wearing a knit cap with two little pom poms that almost looked like ears and he was just the sweetest thing.

He was so warm. In a chilly room his body heated up my whole core and our breathing rythme matched. It was a spell of pure happiness. I could almost see her face, almost see the day when it would be me. Almost there...

I have had more than my fair share of anger at pregnant women, friends included (so so sorry about that-hopefully it will change very soon), extreme dislike for all things related to easy baby conception, happy holidays, even frustrated that between the 3 families our church is sponsoring for gifts this year they have SEVENTEEN children. I don't poke around at stranger's babies anymore, I don't ask pregnant women their due dates or ooh and aah over their stomachs. Nope. Just keep on moving - don't let the eyes stray.

But oh, when I actually get a baby in my arms it is magical. Our good friends from California have a little baby boy (hi Mason!) who will just tuck his head on your neck for a little snuggle when he's handed over. mmmm :)

Back to Bear. Warm. Heavenly. Magical. Candles. Good sermon. Friends. Music. Faith. Ahhh.

But near the end he woke up and I handed him over to mom (hi Nicole - hope you don't mind that I am using you in this story.) And then we sang the song. One of my favorite songs really.
Buuuut...I sing along to it on a CD. I have NEVER seen the words written out or thought about them much.

Here it is. My comments are between the lines.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Nice! Cheery! We're sort of moving to the music, everyone smiling.

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Eh, desert? Not a problem. It's cold out. Actually I would appreciate a desert.

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessings, yay!
Here comes the clapping now and everyone sings towards the chorus a bit louder. It's a favorite!

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Oh, the sun! Yes, I love the sun! The world is as it should be when the sun is out! I love this song.

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Gah. (that's for you Amanda out in Hawaii!) Suffering feels familiar. It feels like the feeling I had as I got cold after handing Bear over. It feels a little like saying goodbye to T. mm. pain. I'm getting worried. There is a tear in the corner of my right eye. Oh dear. No, no. I know what is coming next in this song. I've just remember the last few words.

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Here they are. Here we go. Here are the ugly ugly public tears. I'm reading the words. I cannot sing the words. Even though I've mindlessly sung them before.

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

We recognize that He gives and takes away. And we are supposed to (or some are ABLE to) choose to say blessed be Your name. Huh. Have I said huh enough on this blog?

I was considering baby's birth mother. Is she out there right now? Is she giving up baby? Is baby leaving her now? Is her mom cold and alone? Can she even consider still saying Blessed be Your name? I COULDN'T. I know I just couldn't.

So you can see how this ended. Tears, shaking shoulders, face mushed into Jeremy's arm. So embarrassing. I detest public crying. Unless I'm with my oldest oldest girlfriends who have seen me cry about just about everything under the sun since 9th grade. But newish friends at church who really don't know me and who only really see me smiling and giving positive cheery adoption updates - it was not my best moment of 2009.

And now the song is stuck in my head. Stuck.

Here's what I'm wondering. Do you have any good songs to suggest for a playlist that can help replace this one? Any year, any genre, anything. Caveat is they must be powerful, inspiring, meaningful-and I do like to sing along if possible... They do not have to be Christian. Could even be country.

Thanks.
And now I am headed to a girls' night of watching The Ama*zing Ra*ce and eating carmel corn. So I promise I am not just a pathetic mess incapable of leaving her computer for an evening.

~A