I want to post here. My not posting should not reflect anything exciting in day to day life that is drawing my time or attention away from the adoption world and blogging. No, not even close.
And I've written 2 other drafts that are saved but not published yet.
I just don't feel motivated to hit publish post. I don't feel like either posts reflects my actual state of mind.
I think of myself as a pretty resilient person. Have moved a lot, started over in several places, lost friends and made friends, made it through a lot of school, and the ups and downs of getting married really young. Experienced disappointments and exhilaration in fairly equal share. So I'm embarrassed by the place the adoption has brought me to. I'm embarrassed that I can't maintain a sense of self and self control! I can't shake the obsession with "checking" on other blogs and worrying about the waitlist and timing. I can't even publish my well thought out post on the problems with orphanage care and the incongruity between our knowledge that orphanages are detrimental to child development and the Christian passion for building and supporting orphanages.
I want to add something through this blog. I wanted to write about topics that speak to people. That's what I promised back in July. And instead it has turned into a free for all vent and word puke of emotions. I'm disappointed in myself. I really didn't see this coming in July. I really thought we were going to be the exception and I would just ease right into parenthood with little T, we'd be to Ethiopia and back with her by Christmas, and life would move along.
Huh.
There's really no going back. I'll still post my well thought out blogs. But for tonight I'll just say that I have spent most of yesterday and today trying to figure out what number we are on the waitlist. That number has become my world.
Here's the worst case scenario.
Worst case - we are still #3 and our agency coordinator is in the hospital for several weeks with her sick child and unable to match anymore families or update the waiting list. (I completely understand if this is the situation. Her baby is sick. Nothing could be scarier.)
Best case - we are #1 on the list. It's confusing. I've met some new women these past few days through our agency forum. One told me that her referral of a baby girl (since she was #1) moved us up to #2. Another woman told me that she knows a different family that accepted an infant boy referral last week so that should have moved us up to #1.
Is that possible? Could we be #1 and not even know it??? So am I supposed to glue my phone to my body now and wait for the "referral call"? That could add another layer of obsession to this whole thing.
J and I went to the cinema grill tonight and saw the Ti.me Trav.eler's Wi.fe. There was a moment near the end when the little girl curls her body into her mom's on the bed and they fit so perfectly. I can't wait for that. Talay likes to lay on the bed with me but her bony little dog body does not exactly make a perfect fit.
~A
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About Me
- Me. Us. She.
- J and I have been married for almost 15 years. We have shared many adventures and a lot of watershed moments. In 2009 I began blogging and in 2010 we adopted our daughter from Ethiopia. In March of 2012 we began the process to adopt a little boy from Haiti. This blog follows the many twists and turns on the road to our two children and beyond.
{{ cyber hug}}
ReplyDeleteNot what you want to hear.... but this is COMPLETELY normal. We have all passed through this stage in some form or another.... it's just a phase... it will pass- so don't be too disappointed. It's all part of the process (just not the part they printed in the books...ugh)
HUGS! So been there and pledging as we wait for #2 to not go back to that place. The totally normal yet totally insane place that is waiting for the call. hang in there. We have all had our moments some less pretty than others. Welcome to being a PAP and hopefully very soon an AP :)
ReplyDeleteThis post spoke to me in a profound way-and you thought it was just garbled. The thing is, I had the same intention: I'm going to write about real issues, nothing less. But, the truth is-adoption is completely out of your control and because of that sends people who are used to being in control into a spin that's frightening, at best.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you don't know where you're at on the list. You're at least number 3 which is fantastic (though it may not feel that way now). The fact that you're posting about your feelings is helping other people, people who aren't as far along in the process, understand the realities that lay ahead for them.
You are resilient and whether or not you feel it now, you're being stronger than you know. When you have your child in your arms, the moment you see that face, those eyes, that smile...you won't know how you ever breathed before that moment. When you think back to this time you'll wonder what strength you had to survive in a time before that child.
It's emotional and raw and I'm glad that you let yourself post that way sometimes. I like reading educational/information posts, but I also want to get to know YOU.