Every tree limb overhead seems to sit and wait, while every step you take becomes a twist of fate.
Up on the watershed, standing at the fork in the road...

If you are new to our adoption blog please take a moment to scroll down to the archives at the bottom of this page and start with July 2009 post "Watershed."


11.15.2009

He gives and takes away

I love a certain baby at church. His name is Bear and he's about 5 months old. I've known him since he was born. He is half Latino and has this warm light brown skin and big brown eyes. He is soft and warm and smiles a lot.

This morning we had another freak fall blizzard and so church was cozy and candlelit and designed to get us in the Thanksgiving mood. We were all especially appreciative to have made it to church (although we all live in the neighborhood so there isn't much of an excuse if you don't) and feeling a sense of community.

I was holding Bear and he fell asleep against my stomach with his little face turned in towards me and one hand holding the neck of my shirt. He was wearing a knit cap with two little pom poms that almost looked like ears and he was just the sweetest thing.

He was so warm. In a chilly room his body heated up my whole core and our breathing rythme matched. It was a spell of pure happiness. I could almost see her face, almost see the day when it would be me. Almost there...

I have had more than my fair share of anger at pregnant women, friends included (so so sorry about that-hopefully it will change very soon), extreme dislike for all things related to easy baby conception, happy holidays, even frustrated that between the 3 families our church is sponsoring for gifts this year they have SEVENTEEN children. I don't poke around at stranger's babies anymore, I don't ask pregnant women their due dates or ooh and aah over their stomachs. Nope. Just keep on moving - don't let the eyes stray.

But oh, when I actually get a baby in my arms it is magical. Our good friends from California have a little baby boy (hi Mason!) who will just tuck his head on your neck for a little snuggle when he's handed over. mmmm :)

Back to Bear. Warm. Heavenly. Magical. Candles. Good sermon. Friends. Music. Faith. Ahhh.

But near the end he woke up and I handed him over to mom (hi Nicole - hope you don't mind that I am using you in this story.) And then we sang the song. One of my favorite songs really.
Buuuut...I sing along to it on a CD. I have NEVER seen the words written out or thought about them much.

Here it is. My comments are between the lines.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name


Nice! Cheery! We're sort of moving to the music, everyone smiling.

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name


Eh, desert? Not a problem. It's cold out. Actually I would appreciate a desert.

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say


Blessings, yay!
Here comes the clapping now and everyone sings towards the chorus a bit louder. It's a favorite!

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name


Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name


Oh, the sun! Yes, I love the sun! The world is as it should be when the sun is out! I love this song.

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name


Gah. (that's for you Amanda out in Hawaii!) Suffering feels familiar. It feels like the feeling I had as I got cold after handing Bear over. It feels a little like saying goodbye to T. mm. pain. I'm getting worried. There is a tear in the corner of my right eye. Oh dear. No, no. I know what is coming next in this song. I've just remember the last few words.

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say


Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name


Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name


Here they are. Here we go. Here are the ugly ugly public tears. I'm reading the words. I cannot sing the words. Even though I've mindlessly sung them before.

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name


We recognize that He gives and takes away. And we are supposed to (or some are ABLE to) choose to say blessed be Your name. Huh. Have I said huh enough on this blog?

I was considering baby's birth mother. Is she out there right now? Is she giving up baby? Is baby leaving her now? Is her mom cold and alone? Can she even consider still saying Blessed be Your name? I COULDN'T. I know I just couldn't.

So you can see how this ended. Tears, shaking shoulders, face mushed into Jeremy's arm. So embarrassing. I detest public crying. Unless I'm with my oldest oldest girlfriends who have seen me cry about just about everything under the sun since 9th grade. But newish friends at church who really don't know me and who only really see me smiling and giving positive cheery adoption updates - it was not my best moment of 2009.

And now the song is stuck in my head. Stuck.

Here's what I'm wondering. Do you have any good songs to suggest for a playlist that can help replace this one? Any year, any genre, anything. Caveat is they must be powerful, inspiring, meaningful-and I do like to sing along if possible... They do not have to be Christian. Could even be country.

Thanks.
And now I am headed to a girls' night of watching The Ama*zing Ra*ce and eating carmel corn. So I promise I am not just a pathetic mess incapable of leaving her computer for an evening.

~A

10 comments:

  1. Ordinary Miracles by Sarah McLachlan

    Africa by Toto (especially moved me because we were going to Ethiopia for our kiddos)

    and Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks is pretty meaningful in a situation like this.

    Good luck. I know the song you're talking about, by the way. We sing it every Thursday in chapel. I get angry at it...still. My reasons are different now, but, the feeling is still there.

    Good luck and big hugs to you. I wish I could help take some of the pain away, but I can't. Talk about useless.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I choose to think that God gave me a blessing of laughter tonight watching Amazing race... "What is a Candle -a -bra?" I laughed riduculously all by myself till tears rolled down. Tears are flowing alot lately so these I saw as a gift. It's in the little things..

    What in fact IS a candle a bra?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Here are the top played "waiting" songs in my ipod currently -
    Tower - Brad Killman (Myra's waiting song)
    Back Home - JJ Heller (B's waiting song)
    Everlasting God - Brenton Brown (Noah's waiting song)
    I Belong - K Scott (so early 90's but still the words are powerful)
    Family Tree - F England (so fun!)
    Utopia - Gigi (Ethiopian Pop)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I don't have a song to offer but wanted to share that that song has been my N's favorite since he came home. He sings Blessed Be Your Name with lots of gusto! Little man may not get the meaning but he still praises the Lord. ;o) Looking forward to catching up with your blog.
    Andrea

    ReplyDelete
  5. Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks is one of my favorites. Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts. You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban.

    Sending hugs. I so remember being where you are right now and not being super happy with myself and my envy of others. Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm lovin' these right now:

    Brooke Fraser's album "Albertine" - the whole album is great! I think it's a reflection of her time in Africa.

    Dixie Chicks "Lullaby"

    Hillsong United "Desert Song"

    ReplyDelete
  7. No ideas about songs or much to comment today... Just wishing you or us visit so you get lots of hugs and drooling from little nephews Pablo and Camilo.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I had big, public tears this Sunday too---and hard to disguise them in a small setting. We were singing,
    "All of my ambitions, hopes and plans; I surrender these into Your hands. Because it's only in your will that I am free. Yes, it's only will that I am free."
    Thinking of all of those things that I cling so desperately to...my plans...oh, so much.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hi sweet friend!
    I love reading your thoughts...really should comment more often. But I had to chime in on the songs. Here are a few songs that instantly came to mind:

    -Desert Song (Hillsong United)
    -This Is Our God (Chris Tomlin)
    - One Touch (Nicole C. Mullin)
    -If You Say Go (Rita Springer)

    I am sure I will think of more after a few hours of sleep! :)

    I love your heart.
    And if I saw you in a public cry, I would just want to give you a big hug and start crying right along! :)
    -

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh I too hate those big public tears. But on the occasions that they have fallen from my eyes, I find the ones who come to comfort me are likely the ones to hold me in their prayers too. And who could not use more of those? And if it weren't for our extreme highs and bitter lows, how else would we know we were alive.

    ReplyDelete

About Me

My photo
J and I have been married for almost 15 years. We have shared many adventures and a lot of watershed moments. In 2009 I began blogging and in 2010 we adopted our daughter from Ethiopia. In March of 2012 we began the process to adopt a little boy from Haiti. This blog follows the many twists and turns on the road to our two children and beyond.

Followers