The annoying thing is that the nightime to do list is so unimportant.
Some of the things that have taken over my brain - honest to God I would not even normally find these things important enough to stress about in day time:
- must remember to buy a huge box of C.heerios to pack to win over D's affections...but how will I fit a huge box of C.heerios in my luggage...how much does a box of C.heerios weigh...will said C.heerios be too crushed if I pack them in just the plastic bag...should I get goldfish too...every baby loves goldfish...how many teeth does she have...what on earth will I feed her in ET...a 12 month old doesn't just eat formula right...how does a parent figure these things out...what if we end up starving her because I can't cook sweet potatos and carrots and other baby food goodness in Ethiopia...should I bring more snacks...what if we run out of C.heerios before we get on the plane home...we need to make sure to reserve some for that return trip...
- i think we need more socks. how many pairs of socks does a 12 month old need...will it be cold in June in ET...I think it is cold there...rainy season...i packed those three pairs of new cute flowered socks in their packaging...must remember to remove them and actually wash them...what is the harm in not washing before wearing...does that cause skin problems...could she be allergic to american detergent...if so would it be better to not wash everything before packing...i like the socks packaging...oh no, all three pairs are colors...we need some white socks...thick white socks because it could be cold..will three pairs be enough...should i get them at T.arget...everyone says i need tr.umpette socks...must add to list...what if her feet are chronically cold because we forget socks...does a baby wear socks under footie pajamas? Does a 12 month old wear shoes? We haven't even bought any shoes!
(oh my goodness, when I went online to find a photo of trum.pette socks I found these and fell madly in love. how cute are these socks???!!!)
Lately I've also added baby name drama:
- we both like the name A--- with her name...but what if it sounds icky with our last name...our last name causes so many problems...how many ways can i think of to distorte the name A---when combined with our last name...what about a nickname...does the nickname M--- remind us too much of another friend with a similar name...what will people think if we add a name that isn't Ethiopian...are both names meaningful enough...what if the nickname we use is Ethiopian...what if she doesn't look like any of the names we've thought of when we get her...what if we formally change her name but end up calling her D anyway...what a waste of time spent on names and forms...does the name D feel signficant...if we change something about it will it tie her to the community well enough...how many names can i run through in my mind before circling back to A---*??
* I do realize now that I see it in writing that the name we are considering looks oddly like my name and the nickname bizarrely like the nickname I had as a child. This was purely coincidence and I swear they are not the same names.
And on and on and on
Maybe my mind can't turn off because it's just too scared to sleep these days. Every. single. night. I dream about Baby D. Long, dramatic, emotional, heavy, stressful, sagas that play out through the course of the night leaving me tired and crabby in the morning.
A few nights ago I had THE WORST dream.
I was in a meeting. Of course it was in a strange place - a bright blue room, in a 60's diner, around a formica table, that was sort of somehow in the eating nook of my own kitchen. Of course.
The meeting was taking place between myself, a social worker, and another prospective adoptive parent. And the meeting was to inform me that actually, even though I had made it all the way to Ethiopia to get D, I was not finished with the process yet. Another mother had been chosen for her and D was likely to go with her unless I could answer a series of questions to the social worker's satisfaction. Questions involved describing the history of the Queen of Sheba, explaining the meaning of D's name, and successfully answering other Ethiopian trivia.
In this dream I was so upset. Crying, shaking, and in total disbelief that this was happening. (I have dreamtime PTSD from the T situation of last summer I think!)
Now my body and mind are scared to fall asleep. :(
Instead of laying in bed tossing and turning I thought I'd hop up and write this blog post. I really think the benefit of blogging is that once you lay something out in writing, it can be easier to clear your head and move on. I hope that's true tonight.
ADDED in the AM:
Am really appreciating the comments!
Would not normally be so totally obsessed over these details (when I travel there for myself I am not at all worried about what I will eat or wear!) but because I plan to fly to ET in early June whether we have an embassy date or not I am worried about caring for her for 2,3,4? weeks there. First time mom, plus not great access to the resources and options I would have here, plus feeling a little nervous that if we get "stuck" there I will be flying home alone with her since J can't spend an endless amount of time in the country...
Add all of that to the need to get her packed up before I leave for S. Africa on May 14th without knowing her height or weight or shoe size or diaper size or formula brand (can't seem to get the agency to answer emails about these questions) and the stress is on.
Any packing suggestions are appreciated.
I've been told I will get a health and size update immediately before I am scheduled to travel. But I am not being a good sheep and following the typical plan. So I won't be "scheduled" to travel on their timeline. I have emailed several people at the agency about this - to let them know that I am going to ET the first week of June, packing now, leaving soon, need to know some basic basic info, etc and have gotten nada back.