It's been building.
I cried at a work related dinner meeting 2 weeks ago. Yes, you read that right. My colleagues were pushing me about my summer plans, my plans for childcare, my plans for attachment and bonding...on and on and on. Some things were questioned. I became defensive. Then some kind words were said. And the tears started dripping everywhere.
I wrote it out to someone yesterday.
I said it aloud to someone today.
My chewed up bottom lip is a sure giveaway. But I smile and try really hard.
Our court date is tomorrow night and that could be a piece of it.
But it's more than that.
It isn't about the chee.rios or the baby socks or the name. It's bigger. I can't put it into words. Please don't ask me to explain. I feel like I should feel happy. But happy is not all it is cracked up to be I think. Happy is easy. Adoption is just so damn complex.
~A
I found it very hard to be "happy" for the whole marathon of adoption. That's like asking someone to smile through an entire 26K race. Some of it hurts like heck and some is just plain exhausting. You're going through a lot. There's a lot to think about and a million little losses to accept.
ReplyDeleteI had a great baby shower and then spent the night sick with worry because people questioned so much of what I was doing and that, in turn, made me question. I remember thinking that I was trusted to teach at an IvyLeague school but not trusted to come up with a sleeping plan?
hang in there.
Happy is such a loaded word. How does it really feel? Like relief? I think I settled for relief (and calmness), hoping it would eventually give way to happiness. We don't have a magic happy button - don't put too much pressure on yourself. You are going through a lot. So many changes. Happy is too simple.
ReplyDeleteThat said, your daughter truly seems happy. I couldn't agree with M more - she does glow! She is one of very few babes at LAH and getting smothered with attention! Sending positive thoughts your way tonight and hoping you'll post positive court news!!
Rachael
HAPPY IS HARd to find amidst the confustion and long long long influx of emotions. It's ok. Happy is not what you'll feel when you hold her either... it's JOY! And JOY is totally worth it. It is with you know but lies beneath all the other complex heavy stuff. It's hard to let go- because this situation forces us to 'stay on edge' just in case. This is completely NORMAL!!
ReplyDeleteOh- and Go to the local bit box blue or red store and get those "takeaways" Fill those with cheerios - and maybe fill a freezer bag with them in case someone else needs them. as you probly know T loved loved loved his first orange bowl so much it was his attachement tool. luckily there were 2 orange ones in the package cause the Nannies lost the first one. Also- Empty pringles cans make good packing devices for food so they don't get crushed.
Lots and lots of love, Amanda. Wish I could give you another hug and take some of the nerves away. I wish we would have had much longer together, today....
ReplyDeleteOh I've so been there - don't push yourself to be happy, just be where you are and know that happiness is in the future - maybe not the day you pass court, or the day you meet, or maybe all of those days. Maybe not until your baby has been home for awhile, maybe days of happiness and days of feeling uneasy and questioning. Adoption is nothing if not a roller coaster and I think it makes it harder that we all have preconceived ideas about what we "should" be feeling. Good luck, and I have really enjoyed following your story!
ReplyDeleteThinking about you and your little D. Happy is very hard. It doesn't come easily in the world of adoption as there are so many unknowns. I am not sure I can pinpoint when the happiness set in. Maybe it was the day I actually got to lay eyes on my sweet girl in person and other times I think it wasn't until we had her COC and were truly done with all paperwork and nothing was standing in the way. You are so justified in your mixed emotions, this roller coaster comes with lots of highs and lows and even during the highs it is hard to be happy all the time. Know that you are not alone in this process or in your feelings. Many prayers are being said for you tonight!
ReplyDeleteI have so many "deep" thoughts right now.....not sure how to put them into words. Having walked the adoption road twice now, I have developed a true love-hate relationship with the "process"!! :) There has been nothing that has consistently driven me to my knees more than the waiting phases of bringing our two youngest sons home. The entire adoption-path was full of the most complex mixture of joy, fear, faith, anxiety, hope, peace, chaos, etc. Nothing compares to it. EXCEPT PARENTING. This is what I have come to believe: the adoption journey is really just a very concentrated "taste" of parenting. Each day as a mom, I experience every. single. one. of those emotions......often with EACH child (2 biological, 2 adopted. same experience). Being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done.....AND THE MOST REWARDING, AMAZING, JOYFUL, HAPPY PRIVILEGE EVER!! :) Settle in, sweet friend...the ride is just beginning! God is good. He really is!
ReplyDeleteSorry I don't comment more. I love checking in, though. I am thinking of (and praying for) you!! :)
OMG, I remember that feeling! It's is unreal anxiousness. Praying for you!!!!
ReplyDeleteYes, it's a whole lot more complex than happy - or it should be, anyway. I've come to believe that anybody who says they are happy the whole way through is either a) lying to you b) lying to themselves c) on prozac.
ReplyDeleteAdoption only happens because of a whole lot of very sad things happened first. So, yeah. There's more to it than happy.
I have so much I could say on this topic, but I want to say don't be surprised if happiness does not come the moment they come home either. This process and the feelings that come along with it are very complex. Everyone experiences it differently/has different feelings along the way and it is all NORMAL.
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