Remember a few posts back when I mentioned that there was a little girl we've known about for a few months? Leah is there in Ethiopia with her. She has seen her every day this week while she visits her own daughter.
I've had a sneak peek into this child's world and still don't know if she will end up being ours or not. It is an odd place to be.
This little girl is missing some paperwork which is why we have not received her referral. On the 16th this should, in theory, get resolved. That doesn't mean we would get her referral on the 16th but hopefully her paperwork will be completed then. And a referral is not far behind.
While we wait to see her face for the first time we also wait for a potential infant referral. Last week there was movement on that front. This week so far have heard nothing.
It is...an uncomfortable situation to be in. Awkward.
Here is what I want. I want to look at a photo and feel that I'm looking at our child. Then I want to feel at peace. Is that possible? I know it happens for other people. Is it wishing for too much?
I'm editing the above question. I think I phrased it too vaguely. Seriously folks - when you saw your referral picture did you just "know"? What if you don't know? It's something I've worried about since day one and now with potential referrals headed towards us I'm getting worried about it again. How will we know if we should choose the vague - maybe there is, maybe there isn't, infant referral or the flesh and blood toddler?
I can look objectively at the whole picture and see that I'm trying to find a way to control our adoption. And adoption is a process where you simply don't have any control. That's been extremely hard for me to give up.
The fostering update is meager.
After the blur that was updating our homestudy to become foster parents. After taking a half day first aid certification class. After scanning and emailing a million documents. We wait. We've been told that we were misinformed and that our adoption training cannot count towards foster certification. We have to attend 2 full days of foster parent training in March.
Which is so ridiculous because the point of the fostering was that there were children needing placement in February. And we both happen to be home and flexible all of February. So providing an emergency home for 1-4 weeks in February and/or March seemed like a perfect fit.
It's almost laughable. Poor J. He had a real love/hate relationship with all of the international adoption training we did. (Because we switched agencies we had to complete two separate 10 hour online courses. In addition to the 24 hours in person training.)
I'm not sure what happens now. Obviously until we do the training we won't be getting a placement. But the training is in the middle of the work week and is not very convenient.
Lessons must be being learned from all of this. But the overarching theme to me somedays seems to be: I want to care for children - without too many parameters on that - but the world does not want to give me any to take care of.
It would be funny. If it weren't so bizarre. I think that's what we call irony.
I am remembering to enjoy: sleeping in, reading a book, working without interruptions, watching mindless reality shows that I would never have on with a kid in the house, walking the dogs without a stroller, having coffee with a friend, making last minute plans, celebrating Valentine's day without needing a babysitter.
~A
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About Me
- Me. Us. She.
- J and I have been married for almost 15 years. We have shared many adventures and a lot of watershed moments. In 2009 I began blogging and in 2010 we adopted our daughter from Ethiopia. In March of 2012 we began the process to adopt a little boy from Haiti. This blog follows the many twists and turns on the road to our two children and beyond.
Hang in there. Dreams do come true just not on our timelines. Sending big hugs!
ReplyDeleteDoes that mean the state thinks you are ok to adopt, but not to foster? Now that is silly and ridiculous. Perfect example of no-common-sense regulations. But I hope for you to find peace, soon. A picture and peace. It can't be long now.
ReplyDeleteI think it does Korana! Geesh. But I also know there are things they teach in foster training that aren't in adoption training. So I guess I can see some value. Not 16 hours worth of value. Maybe 2-4 hours worth?
ReplyDeleteTo answer your question....I loved my picture of Mari but I would have loved any picture of any kid at that point. I think it's different for everyone. I just saw a picture of a friend's referral and instantly KNEW that the child was the perfect fit for my friend.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I didn't feel that instant "click" when I first met Mari either. There are so many factors that influence this...for me, I had built up a wall because I didn't want to be devastated if things did not work out...I totally guarded my heart from feeling anything.
I wrote more about it here...http://jillsexp.blogspot.com/2008/11/not-all-sunshine-and-rainbows.html
Luckily, someone's beautiful smile and sweet disposition totally broke down that wall! I can't imagine my life with anyone different than my daughter. We are a perfect fit for each other because we work to be perfect for each other. (Does that make any sense?)
So open your heart, you are already attached to a referral just by your hopes...don't guard your heart.
I realize that I totally did not answer your question :) - but what I mean is that just because you don't hear triumphant music playing and see shooting starts when you see your child for the first time, doesn't mean anything. Go with your heart but make sure your heart is not being ruled by your brain!
ReplyDeleteAh, I think I see a problem: "but the world does not want to give me any to take care of." You are creating your own reality. When you believe "My child is coming home!" - that's when it will happen.
ReplyDeleteTo answer your question...I cried obviously when I saw Kiya's referral picture and I just got all warm and fuzzy. That said the mother/daughter bond did take time. I wanted nothing more than the be a mom and I loved my little girl from day one but I think that is different than being in love with her. That took a little longer...does that even make sense?
ReplyDeleteThere are so many unknowns in the world of adoption and the best advice I can give you is to trust yourself. Deep down your child, the right child will find you. You will know somewhere deep inside which child should be your family.
You know you don't get to pick your child when you give birth. They hand you a slimy pink or brown or reddish or whatever colored bundle and you are instantly in love. You don't have any idea what this little thing is going to grow into, but you know you will love it no matter what. I felt the same way when I saw my adopted children. We looked at several files for waiting children with Nesradine,and we knew he was the one for us. We shed some tears over one that we chose not to adopt, but God had the perfect home for him too.
ReplyDeleteMy advice for you is don't stress about it. Wait in hope, not fear. Enjoy where you are now, accept that this is all out of your control, and that it is happening exactly the way it should. Bureacracy makes no sense, and is very frustrating, because they are trying to untangle knots in a very impersonal way. Waiting is very difficult, but the end of it is worth every minute.
I agree with Jill about seeing the referral picture...we had waited so long that we were over the moon to finally see ANY picture!!! We got tons of pics and videos from traveling families, but it was SO hard to fall in love with a picture....However, once we met Ru, we knew she was meant to be our girl!
ReplyDeleteI think that you do KNOW when you see the child's picture at referral...you know whether this is your child or not. I knew with Macy that she was my daughter. I have had friends that got referrals and they knew that the child was not meant to be theirs...so they passed on the referral, later to get a referral that they KNEW was their child. And it's pretty incredible to see those children that were passed by one family, be met with the perfect family for them just a short time later. It's amazing and hard and wonderful.
ReplyDeleteAmanda- the question "Did you just know". NO I didnt'. But I'd questioned and read others- and I'd looked into my own faults enough to know- that i couldn't trust myself. It was a real and honest- question to God? Are you sure? Odd as it sounds I knew I was being entrusted into this boy's hands. He needed me and I needed him. I can't soften that. It was clear to me- but my initial reaction was- ummm- no I think they made a mistake. But I think you read all about it- so you know that already.
ReplyDeleteWe were presented with two proposals of available girls. I immediately like one and Jeff immediately liked the other (Mercy). I tried and tried to convince him that H was the referral we should accept. I prayed, "Lord, change his heart", but in the end the only heart that was changed was mine. I met both of the girls when I was in Ghana and I had no connection what-so-ever with H. When I met her I knew right away Mercy was meant for our family. You will know. I can't wait to see who God has planned for you.
ReplyDelete