What can I say? I have written this post three times in three different ways.
There is no way to talk about J and his years of "father reluctance" without sharing too much information that is not mine to share.
I want to wrap up my last post which I realize I left on a bit of a cliffhanger.
So I'll just say that this whole process has been hard on J, who entered our marriage almost 11 years ago saying that he would NEVER have kids. Now it is ironic that to have children, which he is still very nervous about, it requires him to a. divulge every bit of his personal, medical, financial, and professional information to a social worker (homestudy) b. join me at US government offices around the city c. pay lots and lots of money d. join me at expensive doctor's appointments and e. provide samples to fertility specialists
Ironic isn't it? Poor man.
But he is a very good husband and I know he joins me in all of this because he loves me. And he trusts that he will be able to love a child. But this whole thing is still a huge stretch for him.
I wonder sometimes if God is testing us to strengthen our resolve. To make it that much easier to love and adore a little someone who was fought for so hard.
So to wrap up the last post. We decided to continue to pursue the adoption. And we are currently #1 on the waiting list. So it WILL happen at some point.
I think it was very easy for J to consider postponing the adoption while we pursue fertility treatment because he has a much harder time loving the idea of our future child. Do the rest of you have similar experiences with your husbands? I have sought a lot of advice from others and I've come to the realization that J, and men in general, have a harder time attaching to the idea of a child whose face they have never seen. He is in agreement with the adoption. But his heart has yet to fall in love.
I am not sure what we will do about the fertility problems. But after a lot of discussion, and of course ugly crying on my part, we agreed to work on it this year. Some of you have recommended books to read which I plan to look into. I have found some interesting websites and blogs. We'll see a fertility specialist. We'll explore our options. I wish we were rich and could just freeze up some eggs for future use! But that is not our reality so we will see what can be done and make a decision sooner rather than later.
J has come a long long way. And I don't blame him for needing this time to come around to fatherhood. I appreciate that we've been able to spend a lot of time together. We have traveled all over the world. We hiked the Samaria Gorge. Went swimming with whale sharks in the Yucatan. Lived in Thailand and drove our little scooter to watch the sunset on the beach every night. We explored temples in Cambodia and pigged out on pizza in Italy. We listened to a Christmas concert in a tiny chapel in Oxford. And we have celebrated the 4th of July on the Capitol mall 6 times! I will never regret the time we have spent together - just the two of us.
But for everything a season and we are entering a new season of life.
Our conclusion is that we don't have a plan A or plan B. We are just trying to make a family.
~A
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About Me
- Me. Us. She.
- J and I have been married for almost 15 years. We have shared many adventures and a lot of watershed moments. In 2009 I began blogging and in 2010 we adopted our daughter from Ethiopia. In March of 2012 we began the process to adopt a little boy from Haiti. This blog follows the many twists and turns on the road to our two children and beyond.
I think the information you've been given from friends is very accurate. I was an emotional wreck throughout the adoption because I loved my children, despite the fact that I didn't know who (or how many!) they were. Andrew was calm because we were pursuing children...faceless, nameless children.
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't until he saw their faces that he became emotionally attached-and, even then, it wasn't until we met them and held them that it was real for him. Ironically, despite my love for them, it became a million times greater when I had my arms around them for the first time.
I'm glad you're pursuing the adoption. I'm glad you've had such amazingly cool "not-yet-parent" experiences together and I'm even more glad that soon (yes, SOON) you will have a picture to hold on to just until you have your baby to hold on to. She will be fortunate enough to have cool parents who will do incredibly interesting things with her and you will be fortunate enough to have her to share the world with.
Thank you for this post. :)
This is a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing something so special Amanda. it is special. The hard stuff- gives us more to grown one (ok- that was very after school special-ish..).
ReplyDeleteThe part my husband has a hard time with is looking at the pictures of waiting children and trying to choose. It IS very weird if you think about it. A bit like window shopping for our child. Totally 'unnatural' as he says, and that is true, but we would rather adopt a waiting child with special needs than procreate.
ReplyDeleteI don't know much about your story, but I can tell you that my boyfriend (of 5+ years, five of which I was trying to adopt a child) sounds a lot like your husband. He was supportive of MY desire to be a mother, but not so sure about the husband/father part of things (which is why we didn't get married). My daughter came home 3.5 weeks ago and my bf is so absolutely smitten with her, beyond the moon excited and crazy in love. It didn't happen at all when I was planning or waiting, he didn't share her referral picture with anyone, but now he can't get enough of her. I had a feeling he'd fall in love once she was home, but it's so much better than I could have even hoped. I'm sure it will be the same thing with your husband.
ReplyDeleteYou are already a family...just a family in waiting! #1 for Christmas is a great place to be. Here's to a blessed 2010. We are praying for you and loving you both from afar.
ReplyDeleteYour moment to be a mom is coming. And despite already being parents, in our adoption last year it wasn't until there was a picture and a file that it was real for my husband. This time with waiting kids it has been real from the get go.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written. Thank you for letting others take a peek into your journey.
ReplyDelete