Here are the things I'm not doing again.
I am not getting on a plane and flying to my parent's house for any kind of celebration or holiday without my child.
I am not playing, or even coming within gawking distance, of a playground without my child.
I am not going to a zoo/carnival/amusement park again without my child.
I flew to Texas on Thursday for my mom's surprise birthday party. As I waited to board the plane it was as if every happy mother and her beautiful child had congregated at my gate. I watched them juggle the strollers and carseats, the diaper bag, the thrown pacifier and I felt like a piece of my own body was missing. It was very hollow. I have been feeling like that a lot lately. Like a body part has been misplaced...
I've read a lot of blogs. And it seems like there is a moment that every woman hits where she feels angry at waiting. This usually leads to lashing out and generally grumpy and unsatisfied blogs. You can always tell when someone is there at that point!
But I have been waiting for ten years. Patiently and sometimes not so patiently, helping my husband get to this point and time in life-time for family.
And in the meantime my entire career has revolved around little needy children whom I can't do anything personally for.
Foster care social work - only for masochists really. What was I thinking??
Alternative care/development work - always ends with me in a foreign country needing to bring home another animal to replace the dozens of children I can't bring home.
I don't think I'm angry, just done. SO done. And it is funny to me that here we are, finally finally on the same page, and now I have to wait some more. Who knows how long? I keep getting asked the timeframe on this adoption and I have absolutely no clue how to answer those questions. Not a clue. Christmas? In my dreams. Easter? Starting to feel unlikely. I have to admit that there are a lot of blogs out there that make me feel so discouraged. The waiting families, the TB testing, the paperwork problems, the court system, sick kids. The happy endings make me cry but I always think, great for them-never actually going to be me.
I want to decorate a nursery and buy kid's clothes and toys. I want to look forward to holidays and family gatherings. I want to have answers and timelines. This is such an uncomfortable place to be in. And I know everyone goes through it. No need to even comment on this post. I know I know, everyone has been there. But wow, it sure does suck. (Not my best writing tonight I admit.)
~A
About Me
- Me. Us. She.
- J and I have been married for almost 15 years. We have shared many adventures and a lot of watershed moments. In 2009 I began blogging and in 2010 we adopted our daughter from Ethiopia. In March of 2012 we began the process to adopt a little boy from Haiti. This blog follows the many twists and turns on the road to our two children and beyond.
Like you said-most who experience adoption go through this and it is really evident in the blog posts. This is natural, which doesn't make it any easier. But, you're not alone and thankfully you're blogging to help vent some frustration. There will be a time, hopefully not too long from now, when you'll be wishing you had some peace and quiet and you may happen upon this entry and find it slightly amusing.
ReplyDeleteBut, until then, know that it's understandable that you're feeling all of these things. And, we're all here pulling for you and your husband.
HUGS! And blog away. It is really one of the things that got me through the tough days. Prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteI recognize that place! I was there once. It resulted in me 'refusing to wait'. Waiting sucks (excuse the expression- but it fits). Life is happening now and what I'm waiting for doesn't go any faster by standing still. So I picked at day. th e30th of each month. Did something fun- new- or just for me. Whether that was a weekend away with g-friends or sulking by myself for the day. Somedays I fasted and prayed. No feeling guilty or bound to others needs/expectations for me. That day I LIVED purposefully. Purposefully not waiting. I'd like to tell you what happened in the next phase--- but I think you gotta get there on your own. I don't want to ruin the surprise. :)
ReplyDeleteYou are so right - waiting sucks. It's cruddy. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you as you wait.
ReplyDelete