Malawi (one week later)

4:58am

Sound of morning muezzin call to prayer.

Today I leave Lilongwe and tonight I’ll be in Kampala, Uganda.

Slightly sunburned,
A bag of red dust covered clothes,
Mind more fully aware of the refining power of pain and hardship.

If I were to say one thing about this week I would say that pain and suffering are a part of life, allowing them to shape us in beautiful ways demands that we seek God’s help more than man’s.

I’ve seen some ugly in the pain here:

the 24 year old girl so wasted from AIDS that her head is smaller than the head of her 2 year old daughter.

the 24 year old girl whose husband abandons her every year after his annual visit to impregnate her.

the fact that all you see in the villages are young women and old women, there are almost no women in the 30-50 age range anymore.

the 12 year old village girl who was being raped by her uncle and father and suffering it silently.

the 14 year old slum girl wracked with TB who coughs so hard and so much that she can’t sleep anymore and just lays wrapped in a sheet on her porch in the slum.

But there is beauty in the pain and beauty in the faithfulness of others here too.

the husband who is standing by his 24 year old wife as she dies of AIDS and the women’s group who comes to visit her and carry her water.

the widow’s group that finds joy in singing and dancing and learning money making skills; the group that embraces an abandoned 24 year old mother of 3.

the young girls and the old women of the villages who have been empowered to take back their lives and their children. Who are standing tall proud of their businesses and healthy children.

the neighbor trained in rape intervention and counseling who identifies rape victims and works to bring the perpetrators to justice.

the grandmother who took in her granddaughter when no one else would and the HIV home based care support group that bikes the child 10 kilometers to the clinic several times each week.

You have pain and beauty wrapped so closely together here that sometimes you can’t see where one ends and the other begins.

5:22am

~A

I'm Ok, You're Ok, We're Ok

I know I completely disappeared.
I am not crying in a closet somewhere.

Court attempt #2 is this Friday and I am feeling much more confident about this one!

Last week I flew to Minnesota and spent the week healing through good twin cities vibes.
I was working too of course. But just being there, in the lush green of humid spring, with the smell of lilacs in the air, soooo close to my childhood house, my elementary school, jr. high, high school, and college, connecting with old friends and new colleagues, was so cathartic.

I have a lot of posts in my head. But I leave for Malawi on May 15th. That sounds so far away until I calculate it this way - I leave one week from Saturday. ACK!! Panic setting in!!

Ok, ok. Calming down. I leave on May 15th. Fine. I can do that. What is this? It's still April right? Feeling better.... even if I am in denial and not looking at the calendar.

So I am trying to plug away at the to do list. Divided into work, baby, travel, home, health, dogs. Wow.

Will post my 'Minnesota is amazing' post as soon as I can.

Thank you for all of the support as we crashed and burned our court date last Monday.

~A

Baby stuff from Africa

If you have a puzzle full of tiny scratchy wooden pieces I do not recommend removing the outer wrapping. The photo above is a picture of my nemesis. Africa puzzle. I bought it for a few dollars in Nairobi. Today I made a bad choice and unwrapped it. I lost all of north and west Africa.

Dozens of tiny tiny confusingly shaped sharp edged puzzle pieces on my office floor.

Luckily I work from home. Which affords me the time to work on puzzles. Of course it couldn't have been Sub-Saharan Africa right? No, it was the entire portion of the continent that I know nothing about and haven't thought about since I took an African civilizations class in college.

The dogs sniffed the pieces and considered eating them. Most of the pieces had jagged edges (new project for J - sandpapering every back surface of this puzzle - should be super enthused to do that!)

Did I use my trusty wall map to figure out which countries go where? No! I did it all on my own and it only took 10 minutes or so. Should only take baby, oh, let's guess at 6 years and at least 10 choking incidents, to get this puzzled solved. For now it is going away in the closet. Far away.

My optimistic summer has been followed by a pessimistic fall.

I think it's because I left for Africa before the leaves even turned yellow and returned to Colorado in a special edition of Denver skips autumn and embraces winter.

Halloween. Y.u.c.k.
Holiday season begins with pumpkin patches and hay rides and costumes and cheery little voices at your door all night.

In my overly active imagination this year we are a safari themed family.
Baby is a giraffe (a magazine - how dare they send this to childless couples?? - arrived last week with tiny children in tiny animal costumes.) So baby is a giraffe. Jeremy could be either a lion or an elephant - something big and manly. And I will be whatever animal is the happiest. We stroll around the neighborhood showing off. Baby learns to say trick or treat. We gobble her candy after she goes to bed. Ahhhh. Maybe next year?

In REALITY Jeremy has to work - this always happens on Halloween for some reason. So it will be another year of answering the door every 2 seconds. Enduring children who barely dress up shoving bags in my face without saying trick or treat. (Who are these parents???) The dogs will be freaking out as usual and I will be promising little hands that they don't bite (and praying that they never make me regret those words.)

At some point I will be stuffed full of cheery Halloween friendliness and so I will turn out the light and ignore the angry teenagers who start coming out later. I will sit on the couch, watch scary movies that I should never watch alone, wonder where my youth went (ahh, remember the year in high school when I convinced mom and dad to let me go to my first Halloween party with COLLEGE friends?!) and eat the rest of the candy in the bowl. Candy that I bought to suit my taste anyway.

Where is this blog going? Oh, yes I think I called it baby stuff from Africa.

I am finding ways to keep cheerful. Mostly this involves baby name game which I use regularly to torture J, my sister, and random friends who are stupid enough to bring up the topic. Window shopping - which actually looks more like looking in the window for one second and then bounding into the store followed by me asking a million questions to the store people and pretending that I'm actually bringing a little someone home in the next few weeks. (A couple of times this has ended awkwardly as they've asked her name, age, etc. Sometimes I make things up and other times I admit I don't know who she is. Bleck. I prefer making it up during this game.) Finally - grand finale - organizing Africa "stuff" in the office/baby room and choosing prototypes for furniture I want J to build for baby.

Whew. Finding ways to stay cheerful really does take a lot of energy!

First up - the bed that J is making for baby. He doesn't love copying other people's designs but we both loved this daybed and we need the bed and trundle for guests anyway.

http://www.ethanallen.com/product?productId=1429&categoryId=8223
(He's building a side rail into the design.)

Second, fabric I bought in Africa for making throw pillow cases for the room. A few of the fabrics are so cute that I'd like to have pajamas or dresses made. I cannot sew though. At all. I will have to find someone willing to do this for me. Preferably for free. Out of pity would be fine.

If you own a sewing machine but do not want to be my new baby seamstress it would be best to pretend you didn't read this.

~A

Victoria Falls

After the safari in Botswana, Kate and I went back across the border to Livingstone and spent a day at Victoria Falls. It was dry season so there wasn't as much water as usual. But it was still spectacular and we got the idea. In wet season you can get soaked from a mile away!

One morning we took a tour to Devil's Pool which is a little pool at the very top of the falls on the Zambian side. First you swim over to this rock island. The current is strong but there is a rope to hold onto. Then you jump from the rock island into Devil's Pool. You can't see it in the photos but there is a rock wall underneath the water forming this little natural pool that prevents you from going over the edge. The water was incredibly warm.

We jumped in! It was a big stretch for me since I'm scared of heights. But it felt like a once in a lifetime opportunity.

We don't have many great photos in the pool because our guide was really excited about being in the pictures. We didn't realize it when we were there - I think adrenaline had taken over. But later looking at the photos Kate and I just died laughing at our new "boyfriend" and his enthusiasm. Sorry for this photo Kate - it is not our best. But it really personifies our crazy friend.

It was a beautiful experience and a really fun 24 hours at one of the 7 natural wonders of the world. After the Devil's Pool we ate eggs benedict and scones with coffee at a little outdoor patio looking over the falls and watched while the sun came out and created rainbows over the water. Breathtaking.

~A

Photos from Botswana Safari

Home has never felt so good. I got in last night after 25 hours from Addis - Frankfurt - Denver. Thought a lot about bringing baby home on that route in economy class. Ugh. Can't fathom how hard that will be right now.


I have some long posts prepared about the trip. Particularly my time in Addis. But I feel like first I want to celebrate the safari and Victoria Falls. It was such a fun 3 days, overshadowed really by all of the work and emotional stuff later. These photos deserve a post of their own. And Victoria Falls will also get a post of her own.

So. Botswana. If you fly from Nairobi in Kenya to Lusaka in Zambia you can catch a tiny plane on Proflights Zambia to Livingstone which is located very close to the Botswana border. We had a van take us over the border to Botswana (about an hour drive and 5 minute ferry ride) and were met in an open air safari jeep. We stayed at Chobe Marina Lodge which was very nice and it included as many safaris as we wanted to go on into Chobe National Park.

Kate and I took an early morning safari both mornings we were there as well as a late afternoon sunset boat safari. It was awe inspiring. I love animals. I loved seeing them in their natural habitat. We saw every animal you can imagine: elephants, giraffe, warthogs, impala, kudu, crocs, cape buffalo, hippos, vultures, baboons, guinea fowl, tons of gorgeous birds, a leopard, a lion (from to far away to photograph well), and probably more I
can't think of now.

Sunrise over Chobe National Park, Botswana.

Impala butt.

See the birds enjoying the ride?


Elephants swimming. They swim in a formation where they hold the tail in front of them and keep the baby protected inside a circle of mothers. They are fast swimmers!

Jogging along the island to their swimming crossing over the river.

My favorite photo. LOOK at baby hippo carrying his stick in his mouth!

It's hard to see but there is a crocodile laying next to the ellie's back left leg and a hippo swimming towards him in front. A perfect scene. I couldn't get enough.

There were moments when it seemed like the safari operators must have thought of The Lion King and then just planted animals along the way. Timon and Pumba were warthogs right?

Baboons are sort of the pests of Africa but this baby was so sweet looking.



Cape Buffalo. Apparently more dangerous than elephants, rhinos or even lions. We got close. There were a lot of them. They looked very very lazy. But I guess they are deceptive.

~A

Heaven is a place on earth

Excuse me while I take a small break from the reality.

I’m in Botswana. And it is Beautiful. But not all that easy to get to.

On Thursday morning I left my Nairobi hotel for the airport at 6am.
Then the flight was delayed.
A LOT of us sat in a very small crowded hot and smelly Ken.ya Air.ways waiting room. I slept sitting up. We became extremely docile. When we were docile enough that brain matter was turning to mush and oozing out our ears they allowed us onto the plane.

I slept sitting up.

Arrived in Zambia. My colleague had her card eaten by an ATM machine. We spent about an hour trying to resolve the situation. It is so typical for me in the course of travel to have ATM and credit card problems that it barely even phased me. But she was upset so I felt really bad. Miraculously they sent a technician who opened the ATM and got it out. If you know Africa you know this is a true miracle to have happen in just one hour.

Got on another flight – it was too small to even have a bathroom. There were 3 passengers including us.

I slept sitting up.

Arrived in Livingstone. Drove over the border. I slept sitting up. Then ferried across the Zambezi, or Chobe, not sure which river it was but it was where you can see Namibia, Zimbabwe, Botswana and Zambia all at the same time. The ride took 3 minutes so I managed not to fall asleep.

Safari jeep to our lodge. I did not sleep sitting up. Safari jeeps are super fun!

It is a really good thing that I can sleep anywhere because as you can see from this post I basically slept across Sub-Saharan Africa yesterday.

My colleague and I are staying at the Chobe Marina Lodge on the banks of the Chobe River which is just outside of Chobe National Park. This morning we got up at 5am (but I went to bed early so you won’t have to read more about my sleeping today!) and took a safari drive into the park. It was AMAZING. Have I mentioned that Botswana is Beautiful?

Shapes emerged out of the gray dawn and became Kudu with their enormous horns and white stripes, little marmots ran across our path, Cape Buffalo with white birds on their backs chewed leaves and considered running us down.

And then we arrived at the elephants. I was in heaven. The only event comparable in my life so far was the day I spent at Elephant Nature Park in northern Thailand.

I just couldn’t stop smiling. And taking pictures. And smiling!

The elephant herd was so majestic and calm. There were babies under the shadow of their moms. They looked like the queens of Chobe.

Most of the safari was along a ridge overlooking the river which merged onto a green and lush delta of land. Even though it’s dry season it is very green in the park along the river. Away from the river the trees are brown and bare so its easy to watch the animals. Perfect time of year.

We saw 2 giraffe – one of them got a little nervous and we watched her lope off into the bush.

We saw more species of bird than I knew existed! I think there are 400 different species in the park.

Many many photos to come when I have a second to upload.

And then the big finale – a LEOPARD. The leopard is one of the big five which were the “most dangerous” African animals as identified by early explorers: Cape buffalo, elephant, rhino, leopard and lion. Of course they forgot the hippo which are extremely dangerous.

The leopard was hard to photograph. The spots are great camoflauge.

The best moment of the day was when we took a break and got out of the car near the river. We heard grunting below us and looked down to find a mommy and baby hippo splashing in the water (baby was carrying a stick in her mouth), a giant elephant on the shore, and a huge Nile crocodile all just hanging out together. It was hard to leave. I could have watched this little group all day.

Tonight we went on an evening cruise and watched several elephant herds swimming back to shore from an island in the river. We also saw a LOT of hippo and crocodiles as well as buffalo and birds. I’m really hoping to see zebra and a lion tomorrow on our next morning safari.

I hope my words and photos do it justice. I have been to several parts of Africa but never on safari. Even though this is just a short hop into the world of safaris and animals it really gave me a different perspective on Africa. I am so inspired by the beauty of the land and everything unique it has to offer. It is a very startling contrast to the big cities here and their slums. I wonder how many Africans get to see the natural beauty of their continent. Must have been just an awesome (and dangerous) land for the indigenous tribes living here. I’m not sure who lives here in Botswana now. I have to admit to being here completely ignorant of the culture, language or even currency. Tomorrow we head back to Livingstone to visit Victoria Falls.

No word on baby. But I’ve been doing a lot of shopping for her!

~A

Flying Hips and Clacking Beads

I am deeply tired, but the conference is going well.

I want to talk all about it. I want you to know about the 400+ Africans from around the continent who are here to talk about family-based care. Not just lip service to family-based care but how to do it. How to assess, monitor, recruit foster parents, mobilize communities, involve the church, study the impact, reintegrate children with families, manage residential care at a higher standard for the children who aren't ready for family placement, work with the government, change policies, find resources, and prevent compassion fatigue.

The conference is a physically beautiful thing. It is a mass of people woven through with this incredibly colorful thread of women wearing their traditional clothing. Not the men. The women - they take my breath away with their pride of self, pride of place, pride of country, race, and heritage. I don't believe there is a single person working on "orph.an care" in the United States who could rival one of these women in passion for Africa's children.

But I don't know how to talk about the conference. I don't know if you are interested since this is primarily an adoption blog. I will give the conference details on my professional blog.

Here I will talk about our adoption. Because every second of every minute I participate here I have baby on my mind.

Tonight, several hundred of us went to the National Museum of Kenya for a cultural dinner. We had live performances throughout the dinner. Now, I know a lot of adoptive parents go to Ethiopia and experience the tame dance shows in the restaurants off of Bole road. But tonight it was made so obvious the difference between African dancers and singers performing nightly for tourists who have no way of comparing quality vs. half hearted effort and African dancers and singers who KNOW they are performing for and being judged by an African audience.

It was night and day difference.

There is no way to describe it.

Buzzing, throbbing, pulsating
rythm arriving out of chaos
arms swinging, hips flying, butts shaking
the glow of teeth between smiles
braids clacking and swirling
acrobats, fire, limbo, congo
red, blue, green, orange
kanga wraps, bubus, scarves, Maasai shawls and beads
HIPS, FEET, HANDS, FINGERS, TOES
Flying, laughing, joy, PRIDE


Have you ever been to a professional conference dinner where the majority of attendees are gyrating, stomping, and shaking it? (In the first 10 minutes, lights fully on, and without alcohol!)

This African celebration, and that's truly what it was, Africans celebrating Africans, lasted for 3 hours.

In the U.S. we see this kind of performance as amusement. Show. We sit in a room with white and black Americans and maintain propriety. If someone of another culture is among us we encourage group conformation and blending.

Tonight the Africans made us (the whites from American, Canada and Europe) feel welcomed, loved, and they taught us to be joyful. But it was no tourist performance.

Near the end I sat and looked around with eyes that just kept brimming up. It was awful. I had to do the wide eyed stare, don't blink, thing. I had to step outside for air.

WHO am I to take any baby or child from Africa? WHO do I think I am? Honestly. I am not being selfless or modest or humble. Hah, those of you who know me know I'm not good at the false modesty thing.

How will baby learn to dance? How will she learn to shake her hips and swing her arms and bob her head, the way that EVERY African woman in the room could do, in a way that makes her seem like a gazelle and not a stomping gorilla (which is how I would look doing the same moves)??

Who will teach her to tie up her hair in a wrap or move gracefully with her head held so high on her shoulders its like an invisible string is tying her to the sky? No American I know walks like that.

How will she learn that wide hips and high cheekbones, glowing brown or black skin, and full lips are beautiful? In America we have a sad devaluation of these characteristics.

Where will she learn pride in her national dress, how to trill her throat, and how to throw her inhibitions to the wind when music comes on?

I am not at all sure that what baby will lose by leaving Ethiopia, by leaving AFRICA, can be counterbalanced by what she will gain with us in America. No matter her medical needs.

My baby will be African but she will not grow to be one of these women with their power and pride and passion for their homeland. She just won't. She may have those feelings for Africa, because we will do our best to teach her. But learning second hand is not the same.

She will be black in a white family. African in an American world. Sitting calmly and eating baked chicken and a scoop of mashed potatos and gravy at her professional conferences when she should be dancing with abandon and celebration at every gathering, professional or not.

I am sad tonight. I wish I could have smiled and laughed and clapped and enjoyed. But I could not come up with any reason that any child, even the poorest of the poor, should be removed from Africa. Americans have a lot to learn about truly living and loving from Africans.

I have this growing understanding that we are about to receive SO much more than we are about to give.

~A