Adoption and Fostering Update - Edited

Remember a few posts back when I mentioned that there was a little girl we've known about for a few months? Leah is there in Ethiopia with her. She has seen her every day this week while she visits her own daughter.

I've had a sneak peek into this child's world and still don't know if she will end up being ours or not. It is an odd place to be.

This little girl is missing some paperwork which is why we have not received her referral. On the 16th this should, in theory, get resolved. That doesn't mean we would get her referral on the 16th but hopefully her paperwork will be completed then. And a referral is not far behind.

While we wait to see her face for the first time we also wait for a potential infant referral. Last week there was movement on that front. This week so far have heard nothing.

It is...an uncomfortable situation to be in. Awkward.

Here is what I want. I want to look at a photo and feel that I'm looking at our child. Then I want to feel at peace. Is that possible? I know it happens for other people. Is it wishing for too much?

I'm editing the above question. I think I phrased it too vaguely. Seriously folks - when you saw your referral picture did you just "know"? What if you don't know? It's something I've worried about since day one and now with potential referrals headed towards us I'm getting worried about it again. How will we know if we should choose the vague - maybe there is, maybe there isn't, infant referral or the flesh and blood toddler?

I can look objectively at the whole picture and see that I'm trying to find a way to control our adoption. And adoption is a process where you simply don't have any control. That's been extremely hard for me to give up.

The fostering update is meager.
After the blur that was updating our homestudy to become foster parents. After taking a half day first aid certification class. After scanning and emailing a million documents. We wait. We've been told that we were misinformed and that our adoption training cannot count towards foster certification. We have to attend 2 full days of foster parent training in March.

Which is so ridiculous because the point of the fostering was that there were children needing placement in February. And we both happen to be home and flexible all of February. So providing an emergency home for 1-4 weeks in February and/or March seemed like a perfect fit.

It's almost laughable. Poor J. He had a real love/hate relationship with all of the international adoption training we did. (Because we switched agencies we had to complete two separate 10 hour online courses. In addition to the 24 hours in person training.)

I'm not sure what happens now. Obviously until we do the training we won't be getting a placement. But the training is in the middle of the work week and is not very convenient.

Lessons must be being learned from all of this. But the overarching theme to me somedays seems to be: I want to care for children - without too many parameters on that - but the world does not want to give me any to take care of.

It would be funny. If it weren't so bizarre. I think that's what we call irony.

I am remembering to enjoy: sleeping in, reading a book, working without interruptions, watching mindless reality shows that I would never have on with a kid in the house, walking the dogs without a stroller, having coffee with a friend, making last minute plans, celebrating Valentine's day without needing a babysitter.

~A